Today wasn't a good day. It wasn't necessarily bad it just wasn't progress. James' mom spent most of the day asleep. She did have a procedure done in which she was sedated and they gave her some morphine for pain last night. It was probably that she was zonked but hard for James not to see progress today. She also was pretty congested and that was new as well. We think she might be discharged to a skilled nursing facility tomorrow or Thursday. James seems to be overall doing better in the midst of this. He is eating more and actually watched a TV show with me for the first time since this all started.
We'll see what tomorrow holds...
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
What a difference a week makes...
It was a week ago today that my mother-in-law suffered a massive stroke. I can't even begin to recollect the many hours spent in the hospital and the gamut of emotions we've journeyed through in the past seven long days.
Today the doctor got to witness the benefits of the prayers you've all prayed on behalf of Jane. He said that her improvement was major. She is more alert and active as each day passes. We still have a long way to go but we are finally headed in the right direction. She is able to stay awake longer and beginning to follow commands consistently and for the doctor and nurses as well as James. She still fights all the tubes and we're not sure she fully understands what is going on but we'll take what God has been gracious to give. She is having a procedure tomorrow to get another look at her heart so we can understand the origination of the stroke and if there is any of the condition that still exists. Then if she stabilizes (blood pressure has been hard to control) and becomes more compliant (can't pull out tubes, etc.) , we should be on our way to a skilled nursing facility with physical and speech therapists that will aid in getting some of her faculties back. Anyway, that is a long road but a road that is better than what is was looking like just a matter of days ago. I haven't been able to be at the hospital with James today but I know he is encouraged when I hear a slightly relieved tone in his voice and more so he tells me he is about to dive into a full meal of a sandwich and fries. That makes a wife happy.
Continue to pray for healing for Jane and for James and I as we navigate a territory we have no idea how to handle. We are eternally thankful for those who have shared stories, sat with us, prayed with us and have been a resource to us. "Thank you" doesn't seem enough.
Today the doctor got to witness the benefits of the prayers you've all prayed on behalf of Jane. He said that her improvement was major. She is more alert and active as each day passes. We still have a long way to go but we are finally headed in the right direction. She is able to stay awake longer and beginning to follow commands consistently and for the doctor and nurses as well as James. She still fights all the tubes and we're not sure she fully understands what is going on but we'll take what God has been gracious to give. She is having a procedure tomorrow to get another look at her heart so we can understand the origination of the stroke and if there is any of the condition that still exists. Then if she stabilizes (blood pressure has been hard to control) and becomes more compliant (can't pull out tubes, etc.) , we should be on our way to a skilled nursing facility with physical and speech therapists that will aid in getting some of her faculties back. Anyway, that is a long road but a road that is better than what is was looking like just a matter of days ago. I haven't been able to be at the hospital with James today but I know he is encouraged when I hear a slightly relieved tone in his voice and more so he tells me he is about to dive into a full meal of a sandwich and fries. That makes a wife happy.
Continue to pray for healing for Jane and for James and I as we navigate a territory we have no idea how to handle. We are eternally thankful for those who have shared stories, sat with us, prayed with us and have been a resource to us. "Thank you" doesn't seem enough.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
The start of another week...
It is hard to grasp all that has transpired this past week and wonder on the eve of another week what it will hold. I find myself needing to go to bed but then wanting to stay up and forget that another week must endured. I wonder what it'll hold. The thing I tell James the most is the thing I need to believe the most myself. It is about having a plan for the day and nothing beyond that. We just don't know what is beyond today.
Tonight was a particularly tough night for us. Jane is more alert but we still don't think she is aware of what is going on. She was agitated and mad. Her son saw a part of his mom that he never hadn't seen before in her personality. The look of intense anger, trying to get out of bed with her good side and pushing James and I away with her hand. We had to step back and out of her view in order for her to calm down and go back to sleep. It kills James to want to comfort her and that he can't and that at this point that isn't what she wants. As much as I tell him that she isn't mad at him and that she just isn't aware of what he is doing, it breaks his heart to experience that interaction. I mean who wouldn't experience that as traumatic and hurtful. I just can't even begin to fathom what my husband is experiencing right now.
It just seems unfair to be married 3 1/2 months and go through what we've been up against. We aren't the only couple who has had an unexpected and rough start because of circumstances that were out of control. It just feels that way. You imagine this time of nesting and bonding because of being able to spend the smallest and the greatest of moments together. That was my fantasy. In the entire time of our marriage, we've had probably about a month total of good, restful and bonding time. We've fought like newlyweds, we've endured my own health problems and now we are the midst of a life altering circumstances with his mom. It was okay to have health problems and then adjust to marriage but then to experience this seems just all too crazy.
The crazy part is that we all were doing well. Jane especially had embraced James being married and out on his own and she had a long list of things she wanted to be about in her years to come. We had a new car picked out for her and she had plans to travel around and the like. She had even asked me the name of the website James and I had met on as she was contemplating her own search for a match. Who knows how many of her plans would have materialized but James and I found that the talk of a future for herself was an amazing and encouraging.
So, I am sad, anger, confused and frustrated at this drastic turn of events. I want to throw a pity party for myself but most of all I wonder why she didn't have more time to make her dreams become a reality. The hope it obviously she still will but that is a far in the future reality with a long road ahead for all of us.
The stark reality is that I have no idea how I would get through it without family and friends. Man, do I ever know the importance of community now more than ever. I can't even put to words what it would be like to do this in isolation. This is already a living hell as it is and to not have family and friends would be a state that was unbearable. The other thing I am learning is to ask and to say yes I do need help. James and I have had more offers from people to do anything we need done than I can even put my head around.
I still don't want to go to bed. I still don't want to start another week. Yet I've made it through another day. I praise God for that reality...even if the praise is only by faith.
Tonight was a particularly tough night for us. Jane is more alert but we still don't think she is aware of what is going on. She was agitated and mad. Her son saw a part of his mom that he never hadn't seen before in her personality. The look of intense anger, trying to get out of bed with her good side and pushing James and I away with her hand. We had to step back and out of her view in order for her to calm down and go back to sleep. It kills James to want to comfort her and that he can't and that at this point that isn't what she wants. As much as I tell him that she isn't mad at him and that she just isn't aware of what he is doing, it breaks his heart to experience that interaction. I mean who wouldn't experience that as traumatic and hurtful. I just can't even begin to fathom what my husband is experiencing right now.
It just seems unfair to be married 3 1/2 months and go through what we've been up against. We aren't the only couple who has had an unexpected and rough start because of circumstances that were out of control. It just feels that way. You imagine this time of nesting and bonding because of being able to spend the smallest and the greatest of moments together. That was my fantasy. In the entire time of our marriage, we've had probably about a month total of good, restful and bonding time. We've fought like newlyweds, we've endured my own health problems and now we are the midst of a life altering circumstances with his mom. It was okay to have health problems and then adjust to marriage but then to experience this seems just all too crazy.
The crazy part is that we all were doing well. Jane especially had embraced James being married and out on his own and she had a long list of things she wanted to be about in her years to come. We had a new car picked out for her and she had plans to travel around and the like. She had even asked me the name of the website James and I had met on as she was contemplating her own search for a match. Who knows how many of her plans would have materialized but James and I found that the talk of a future for herself was an amazing and encouraging.
So, I am sad, anger, confused and frustrated at this drastic turn of events. I want to throw a pity party for myself but most of all I wonder why she didn't have more time to make her dreams become a reality. The hope it obviously she still will but that is a far in the future reality with a long road ahead for all of us.
The stark reality is that I have no idea how I would get through it without family and friends. Man, do I ever know the importance of community now more than ever. I can't even put to words what it would be like to do this in isolation. This is already a living hell as it is and to not have family and friends would be a state that was unbearable. The other thing I am learning is to ask and to say yes I do need help. James and I have had more offers from people to do anything we need done than I can even put my head around.
I still don't want to go to bed. I still don't want to start another week. Yet I've made it through another day. I praise God for that reality...even if the praise is only by faith.
Day 6 Update
Dear Friends and Family,
James and I can hardly believe that less than a week ago we took Jane out for church, breakfast and the spent the rest of the morning at Barnes & Noble sipping Starbucks and browsing through books. It is very surreal to us.
Jane is still at Kaiser Baldwin Park and will remain here until the beginning of next week. She still spend most of her day sleeping with little glimmers of her eyes being open for more than a few minutes and the use of her left hand to try to take her tubes out! We find this mildly humorous since we know that she’d want to do that if she were more conscious. We feel like we are on an emotional roller coast of glimmers of hope followed by a tad of despair whether she’ll pull through or not and what quality of life she will have. Yet all we can do is wait, make her as comfortable as possible and continue to pray.
The doctors still haven’t figured out were the stroke originated from. Their latest theory is that some bacteria on one of her heart valves dislodged itself and that is what caused the stroke in her brain. They have to do some more testing on her blood work and look at her heart from within her to know if this was the cause. They also want to make sure they get the infection with continued antibiotics so that another stroke won’t occur. She is on a blood thinner as well. We have a really great nurse today. We started with a great one and had a terrible one for the last two days. I made it a point of telling her that she was awesome. The nurse told one of our visitors today, “Thanks for coming!” We feel like she is on our team.
So, we still wait. Our prayer requests:
• Continued prayer for Jane’s healing
• Prayer for James. He is having a very hard time as the days go on and is losing hope.
• For me, to be strong for James while holding down our fort, my schooling and clients and taking care of Jane’s business while she can’t.
We are truly grateful for all the calls, visits and support. We continue to be amazed at the quality of friends and family we have to be by our side in this tough time. Like I said, we’ll be at the Kaiser Baldwin Park until Monday or Tuesday. We’re in the Step Down Unit in room 2307 and the phone number is (626) 480-4370.
Thank you and God bless.
James and I can hardly believe that less than a week ago we took Jane out for church, breakfast and the spent the rest of the morning at Barnes & Noble sipping Starbucks and browsing through books. It is very surreal to us.
Jane is still at Kaiser Baldwin Park and will remain here until the beginning of next week. She still spend most of her day sleeping with little glimmers of her eyes being open for more than a few minutes and the use of her left hand to try to take her tubes out! We find this mildly humorous since we know that she’d want to do that if she were more conscious. We feel like we are on an emotional roller coast of glimmers of hope followed by a tad of despair whether she’ll pull through or not and what quality of life she will have. Yet all we can do is wait, make her as comfortable as possible and continue to pray.
The doctors still haven’t figured out were the stroke originated from. Their latest theory is that some bacteria on one of her heart valves dislodged itself and that is what caused the stroke in her brain. They have to do some more testing on her blood work and look at her heart from within her to know if this was the cause. They also want to make sure they get the infection with continued antibiotics so that another stroke won’t occur. She is on a blood thinner as well. We have a really great nurse today. We started with a great one and had a terrible one for the last two days. I made it a point of telling her that she was awesome. The nurse told one of our visitors today, “Thanks for coming!” We feel like she is on our team.
So, we still wait. Our prayer requests:
• Continued prayer for Jane’s healing
• Prayer for James. He is having a very hard time as the days go on and is losing hope.
• For me, to be strong for James while holding down our fort, my schooling and clients and taking care of Jane’s business while she can’t.
We are truly grateful for all the calls, visits and support. We continue to be amazed at the quality of friends and family we have to be by our side in this tough time. Like I said, we’ll be at the Kaiser Baldwin Park until Monday or Tuesday. We’re in the Step Down Unit in room 2307 and the phone number is (626) 480-4370.
Thank you and God bless.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Reflections on the past few days...
It is without a doubt been one of the hardest stretches of life in these past few days. The future is yet unknown and it is painstakingly one day at time for a long time to come.
My husband lost his father to cancer only three years ago this past January and now with his mom having a major stroke it very well could be that she'll never be the same mom that he has been used to all this time. It is a new normal and not very normal at that. I can't even begin to understand or imagine what it is to be him right now. To have lost one parent and to not know what lies ahead for the remaining parent. It is hard to see the love of your life go through something so awful. It is simply painful.
Yet, it is amazing to me how resilient one can be in the midst of dire circumstances. James gets stronger in his ability to handle the situation knowing that his mom needs him right now. Today as I lost it he was able to be there for me even though he can hardly be there for himself. It is also amazing to the focus these types of things can bring to our lives. James and I prayed for the first time as a couple last night. He asked me to pray and we sobbed as I prayed desperately for recovery. I even have yet to pray on my own and this man is asking complete strangers and non-religious types to pray for his mom. A friend of his who is not a religious man is going to pray for us just because it is us.
That is a the beauty of it all. James and I have hardly been alone in this process. As if it were a grand orchestra, we've had visitor after visitor in the hospital coming to see Jane. It's been phone call after phone call and email after email. We feel surrounded by people who loves us, will do anything for us and most importantly are praying for Jane. James' cousin Franklin has been with us for the entirety of two afternoons taking time from his wife and his job to sit with us, talk with us and take us to the cafeteria so we can eat. It was normal yesterday to see him but today we he came in again to sit with us for several hours, I was just so touched to have family who cares so much about Jane and us to sacrifice so much time. We had friends of our comes to be with James tonight while I went to see clients. They withstood rush hour traffic and took James to dinner and let him talk, reminisce and do some processing that he needed to do about the situation. None of the visitors have overlapped. All of them have been beautifully timed to keep a steady flow of support. Amazing how God is in the tiniest of details that we don't even know need paying attention to.
Now I just have to trust that God is going to be in the big and small details of the other aspects of my life that can't stop right now. My last quarter of school. My last three months of practicum. Saying goodbye to clients I've worked with for the past year. Going through the process of securing an internship. My ability to support James in a way that is helpful to him and all the decisions that lay ahead for us. That my marriage of just 3 1/2 will continue to remain strong and focused. It has been incredibly hectic for us settling into figuring out marriage for us, living together, my health problems, surgery and recovery (ref. large kidney stone!) and now this. We have known more aspects of the tough part of the marriage vows (worse, poorer, sickness) in the first several months and yet have had glimmers of the good stuff too. The wedding seems a distant memory and so does the honeymoom but we are just thankful to have each other to lean on during this time. I am so glad we were married during my health problems and he has beens o thankful we're married as we go through this with his mom. That I guess is what marriage is all about.
So, I better sign off and get some sleep. I just needed to get some stuff off my mind and other stuff I needed to process as I hit the keys of my laptop. I'm sure you can return back here often for many more ramblings in the coming days and weeks.
My husband lost his father to cancer only three years ago this past January and now with his mom having a major stroke it very well could be that she'll never be the same mom that he has been used to all this time. It is a new normal and not very normal at that. I can't even begin to understand or imagine what it is to be him right now. To have lost one parent and to not know what lies ahead for the remaining parent. It is hard to see the love of your life go through something so awful. It is simply painful.
Yet, it is amazing to me how resilient one can be in the midst of dire circumstances. James gets stronger in his ability to handle the situation knowing that his mom needs him right now. Today as I lost it he was able to be there for me even though he can hardly be there for himself. It is also amazing to the focus these types of things can bring to our lives. James and I prayed for the first time as a couple last night. He asked me to pray and we sobbed as I prayed desperately for recovery. I even have yet to pray on my own and this man is asking complete strangers and non-religious types to pray for his mom. A friend of his who is not a religious man is going to pray for us just because it is us.
That is a the beauty of it all. James and I have hardly been alone in this process. As if it were a grand orchestra, we've had visitor after visitor in the hospital coming to see Jane. It's been phone call after phone call and email after email. We feel surrounded by people who loves us, will do anything for us and most importantly are praying for Jane. James' cousin Franklin has been with us for the entirety of two afternoons taking time from his wife and his job to sit with us, talk with us and take us to the cafeteria so we can eat. It was normal yesterday to see him but today we he came in again to sit with us for several hours, I was just so touched to have family who cares so much about Jane and us to sacrifice so much time. We had friends of our comes to be with James tonight while I went to see clients. They withstood rush hour traffic and took James to dinner and let him talk, reminisce and do some processing that he needed to do about the situation. None of the visitors have overlapped. All of them have been beautifully timed to keep a steady flow of support. Amazing how God is in the tiniest of details that we don't even know need paying attention to.
Now I just have to trust that God is going to be in the big and small details of the other aspects of my life that can't stop right now. My last quarter of school. My last three months of practicum. Saying goodbye to clients I've worked with for the past year. Going through the process of securing an internship. My ability to support James in a way that is helpful to him and all the decisions that lay ahead for us. That my marriage of just 3 1/2 will continue to remain strong and focused. It has been incredibly hectic for us settling into figuring out marriage for us, living together, my health problems, surgery and recovery (ref. large kidney stone!) and now this. We have known more aspects of the tough part of the marriage vows (worse, poorer, sickness) in the first several months and yet have had glimmers of the good stuff too. The wedding seems a distant memory and so does the honeymoom but we are just thankful to have each other to lean on during this time. I am so glad we were married during my health problems and he has beens o thankful we're married as we go through this with his mom. That I guess is what marriage is all about.
So, I better sign off and get some sleep. I just needed to get some stuff off my mind and other stuff I needed to process as I hit the keys of my laptop. I'm sure you can return back here often for many more ramblings in the coming days and weeks.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
update on james' mom
Dear friends and family,
Thank you all for your warm wishes, offer to help out and mostly your prayers. We truly appreciate the love and support you have given us and feel God's presence through it. Thank you.
Just wanted to give you an update on what is going on with James' mom.
The good news is that James mom is out of the woods in terms of her getting worse. She has been stable for the first 48 hours after the stroke which means the likely hood of her getting worse has come to a close. We have a great doctor who was incredibly patient and kind who had the greatest bedside manner and was willing to take his time to explain things to use in a clear and concise way. She has moments when she is alert and looking around and other times when she is sleeping and getting the rest she needs. She has a fighting spirit and you can see that when she is trying, while sleeping, to pull out her tubes and monitoring chords! She wants out of there and we hope that can be realized sooner rather than later.
Tomorrow should bring more answers as we wait to see if she can regain consciousness for longer periods of time, movement and the basic abilities to eat, etc. We'll know whether she'll stay at the hospital for a few more days or go to a skilled nursing facility. It is going to be a long haul but we'll hopefully see some turns around the corner in the coming month. All we can continue to do is pray, keep her as comfortable as we can and let her rest and allow her body to heal.
Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. It really means the world to us!
Thank you all for your warm wishes, offer to help out and mostly your prayers. We truly appreciate the love and support you have given us and feel God's presence through it. Thank you.
Just wanted to give you an update on what is going on with James' mom.
The good news is that James mom is out of the woods in terms of her getting worse. She has been stable for the first 48 hours after the stroke which means the likely hood of her getting worse has come to a close. We have a great doctor who was incredibly patient and kind who had the greatest bedside manner and was willing to take his time to explain things to use in a clear and concise way. She has moments when she is alert and looking around and other times when she is sleeping and getting the rest she needs. She has a fighting spirit and you can see that when she is trying, while sleeping, to pull out her tubes and monitoring chords! She wants out of there and we hope that can be realized sooner rather than later.
Tomorrow should bring more answers as we wait to see if she can regain consciousness for longer periods of time, movement and the basic abilities to eat, etc. We'll know whether she'll stay at the hospital for a few more days or go to a skilled nursing facility. It is going to be a long haul but we'll hopefully see some turns around the corner in the coming month. All we can continue to do is pray, keep her as comfortable as we can and let her rest and allow her body to heal.
Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. It really means the world to us!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
weary and scared
As some of you may already be aware, my mother-in-law Jane, suffered a large stroke on Monday night. She is at Kaiser Baldwin Park in the Step Down Unit. She is stable and we have to wait a few more days for the swelling to go down in her brain to know what we are up against. She was the most alert we had seen her tonight. She fights the blood pressure cuff and the nurses poking at her. She is a retired nurse and they say that nurses makes the worst patients! Her stubborn and fighting spirit are intact in this one and for that we are thankful. She is responsive to people talking to her and especially responsive to James. She is unable to talk and has no movement on her right hand side (stroke was in left side of brain) yet she is breathing on her own and all vitals have generally been good. James and I spent all last night and today with her and are at home tonight to get some much needed rest. We'll go back tomorrow when she'll have more tests and we hope be even more alert and gain some function back.
As you can imagine, my husband is in great turmoil. He feels guilty and responsible and just desperately doesn't want to lose his mom. He is being as strong as he can but we've shared countless cries and prayers together over the past 24 hours. He also was the one to find her at her home, conscious but unable to move. This traumatic event has been a constant image in his mind.
My prayer requests are as follows:
*Healing for Jane
*Wisdom the doctors and wisdom for James and I as we make decisions for Jane's care
*Strength for James and I and our marriage... that we would be a team and remain strong and gentle to each other
*That James and I would take care of ourselves so we can be the best for Jane
*Mercy as I complete the last quarter of my graduate education and finish up seeing clients at my practicum site
Your prayers in this direction would be great.
I'll keep you updated as I can.
As you can imagine, my husband is in great turmoil. He feels guilty and responsible and just desperately doesn't want to lose his mom. He is being as strong as he can but we've shared countless cries and prayers together over the past 24 hours. He also was the one to find her at her home, conscious but unable to move. This traumatic event has been a constant image in his mind.
My prayer requests are as follows:
*Healing for Jane
*Wisdom the doctors and wisdom for James and I as we make decisions for Jane's care
*Strength for James and I and our marriage... that we would be a team and remain strong and gentle to each other
*That James and I would take care of ourselves so we can be the best for Jane
*Mercy as I complete the last quarter of my graduate education and finish up seeing clients at my practicum site
Your prayers in this direction would be great.
I'll keep you updated as I can.
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