James and I went swing dancing tonight. We tagged along with some friends from school/work and were celebrating a birthday. It was a lot of fun! We took a lesson before open dance and then spent the rest of the night trying to implement what we had learned and then also add a little bit of what James already knew. Swing dancing has different styles and trying to cross over those styles was a bit of challenge for James. It was all a challenge for me since I know nothing. He knows West Coast Swing and we learned a wee bit of the Lindy Groove stuff. It's like learning a different language and then trying to just stay in one language without reverting back to what you know. Frustrating to say the least, right??!! Yet all in all, we had a GREAT time and it is for sure we want to learn some more of and continue to get out there and dance. Great exercise and something fun to do together. I realize I love to dance. I like the choreography of a Step Class or a TKB class at the gym and then grooving to the music makes my heart and soul dance too.
The cool thing is that this was the first social thing we've done since my MIL's stroke. We went out to a movie for the first time last Sunday and then tonight we hung out with friends and did something fun and active. Both were James' idea as I am letting him take the lead on what he feels like he needs to do for his mom, etc. I like that he is thinking about the "us", wanting to connect with friends and realizing that having fun is good not only for us but helps us be better people, a couple and therefore better caregivers to his mom. Twice this week he had lunch with co-worker's/friends and he is taking the initiative to connect with these friends. I have been grateful for his desire to do these things.
One of the many things I love about James (and one of the main reasons why I wanted to marry him) was his ability to mature, grown and learn from his life and the circumstances he has been through. He never ceases to amaze me as he continually improves himself. I honestly lose sight in the hard times of how lucky I am to have a man who loves me so passionately and definitely...and changes and evolves as a person. I feel beautiful, safe and secure in his arms, his eyes and in his heart. Our differences often drive me nuts but they also bring such an amazing balance in my life. He is just what the doctor ordered for what I needed for my soul. That isn't a one time process either but is an ever-evolving revelation in my life that continues to takes on different shapes, sizes and colors.
We haven't had an easy marriage. It is sad that I can say that after 4 1/2 months. Two months of kidney stone craziness, grad school/practicum chaos and with Jane's stroke this past four weeks...We've done through sickness...for worse...we were already in for poorer :)... and our future remains foggy and unclear but right now we are good. It feels amazing to be good and I love my husband so much that I couldn't imagine living this crazy, chaotic and unpredictable life with anyone else.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tender moments
It has been of late that James goes to bed before I do. I am becoming quite the night owl and NOT the morning bird...AT ALL. The fact that I need to be up and probably out of the house between 9-9:15am feels a little daunting to me. Today I got up at that time and that's kinda how it has been during the week for the past couple of weeks. I digress. Anyway, James calls me into our bedroom tonight because he wants me to lay with him in bed until he falls asleep. He sounds like my little boy instead of a big manly man but heck, he's been through a lot these past couple of weeks and little comfort from his wife is little to ask. It was just literally two seconds and the boy was G-O-N-E. Out. Like a light. I can hear him snoring in the next room. Maybe I should follow suit...
moved
Do you ever have those times in life when you experience something and you feel conflicting emotions at the same time...and YOU KNOW you are experiencing conflicting feelings...and the fact that you know that spins another element into digesting the situation?
For those of you that I haven't lost, this happened to me yesterday in meeting with my MIL Jane's speech pathologist so she could show us what she was working on with my MIL and give us some things we can do to work with her as well.
There is an image seared in my head that I can't get out. It's not a bad image but more of a profound and amazing one. In a lot of ways, I feel shocked by it.
So, we got there to her room and where there a few minutes before Sister Lucia (the speech pathologist) arrived. We did our usual greetings and received the big smile we usually received when we get there. That has been about all we've got and that to us has been a big deal in the past week or so. Sometimes we'll get the occasional glimmer of her understanding what we are saying. A laugh. Eyebrows up and down.
Enter speech pathologist. Jane perks up. Sister Lucia then puts her bed up into an almost full sitting up position. Jane is alert even more and able to support her head and look around from side to side. Her head and movement seems to be a little hard and heavy for her a times but by far this is the most "normal" we've seen her since this is all happened. This is where the shock comes in for me. She has never been this way for James and I in the times that we've visited her. She is excited to see us but always feels like she fades away as the time goes on in our visit.
Sister Lucia brings out the sugar free pudding and Jane is going for it like nobody's business. Sister Lucia has to slow her down and help her scoop up more manageable bites of pudding. We have to make sure she is slowing them right in order to prevent her aspirating and putting her into a position where she has pneumonia again. Yet who can blame her for thinking sugar free pudding is the best steak in the world when you've been feed through a tube for the past three weeks! She was truly enjoying the pudding and couldn't get enough of it. James and I were moved to tears at the site of her enjoyment, her ability and her desire to eat.
Then Sister Lucia moves into showing us how she distinguishes objects and pictures and is able to follow commands. She does well for awhile but then just tunes it out and is non-responsive. The very thing that Sister Lucia has been most encouraged by is her accuracy and she wasn't able to do it while we were there.
I mentioned to James on our way out some of my thoughts and feelings of the experience and he largely agreed that it felt uneasy to see her more responsive to the staff and therapist at the home and so obviously regressed when she is with us. Granted, this is all new...everyday is new...there are bad days and good days...and stroke patients can be clear as day one minute and ultimately confused the next. AND who the heck knows what is really going on. Jane can't obviously communicate in any significant ways.
It was encouraging, and like I said, shocking to see her respond in such positive and to us dramatically better ways. Today James said when he went to visit she was mellow again. It feels hurtful and sad to feel unconnected to her and what her process is...and wonder what she is thinking about it all and what she feels towards us. James and I would just be besides ourself to be the ones that brought that type of response to her. We loved the smiles but now that we know more... we want more...and somehow it feels confusing and unfair to not get a sense of connection, drive and response that others have received.
The image seared in my brain that even last night as a started this post is my MIL almost sitting up on her own looking a shade of herself and yet no where near herself at the same itme. I can't get out of my mind her desperately wanting to consume her bowl of pudding. I rejoice in these new developments and yet I feel so sad at the same time.
This is what I feel is key to my conflicting feelings. Our relationship has changed with her in profound ways and really in many still unknown ways. I think maybe all of us feel overwhelmed by that reality and don't know how to respond to the many ways our individual lives have changed and our dynamics have shifted. It wasn't that we weren't used to helping her out. It was just that it was on her terms and now it's not on her terms because she is dependent on everyone for everything. It has been a humbling, painful and confusing process for us all...and we can't talk about it. James and I can talk about it but she can't talk about it...she can't do anything...except sit with the reality of her situation and try to find it within herself to want to go on and fight for a moving target called her new life.
THIS is why I felt the way I felt after leaving on Tuesday evening. I just didn't know until now. The beauty of blogging.
For those of you that I haven't lost, this happened to me yesterday in meeting with my MIL Jane's speech pathologist so she could show us what she was working on with my MIL and give us some things we can do to work with her as well.
There is an image seared in my head that I can't get out. It's not a bad image but more of a profound and amazing one. In a lot of ways, I feel shocked by it.
So, we got there to her room and where there a few minutes before Sister Lucia (the speech pathologist) arrived. We did our usual greetings and received the big smile we usually received when we get there. That has been about all we've got and that to us has been a big deal in the past week or so. Sometimes we'll get the occasional glimmer of her understanding what we are saying. A laugh. Eyebrows up and down.
Enter speech pathologist. Jane perks up. Sister Lucia then puts her bed up into an almost full sitting up position. Jane is alert even more and able to support her head and look around from side to side. Her head and movement seems to be a little hard and heavy for her a times but by far this is the most "normal" we've seen her since this is all happened. This is where the shock comes in for me. She has never been this way for James and I in the times that we've visited her. She is excited to see us but always feels like she fades away as the time goes on in our visit.
Sister Lucia brings out the sugar free pudding and Jane is going for it like nobody's business. Sister Lucia has to slow her down and help her scoop up more manageable bites of pudding. We have to make sure she is slowing them right in order to prevent her aspirating and putting her into a position where she has pneumonia again. Yet who can blame her for thinking sugar free pudding is the best steak in the world when you've been feed through a tube for the past three weeks! She was truly enjoying the pudding and couldn't get enough of it. James and I were moved to tears at the site of her enjoyment, her ability and her desire to eat.
Then Sister Lucia moves into showing us how she distinguishes objects and pictures and is able to follow commands. She does well for awhile but then just tunes it out and is non-responsive. The very thing that Sister Lucia has been most encouraged by is her accuracy and she wasn't able to do it while we were there.
I mentioned to James on our way out some of my thoughts and feelings of the experience and he largely agreed that it felt uneasy to see her more responsive to the staff and therapist at the home and so obviously regressed when she is with us. Granted, this is all new...everyday is new...there are bad days and good days...and stroke patients can be clear as day one minute and ultimately confused the next. AND who the heck knows what is really going on. Jane can't obviously communicate in any significant ways.
It was encouraging, and like I said, shocking to see her respond in such positive and to us dramatically better ways. Today James said when he went to visit she was mellow again. It feels hurtful and sad to feel unconnected to her and what her process is...and wonder what she is thinking about it all and what she feels towards us. James and I would just be besides ourself to be the ones that brought that type of response to her. We loved the smiles but now that we know more... we want more...and somehow it feels confusing and unfair to not get a sense of connection, drive and response that others have received.
The image seared in my brain that even last night as a started this post is my MIL almost sitting up on her own looking a shade of herself and yet no where near herself at the same itme. I can't get out of my mind her desperately wanting to consume her bowl of pudding. I rejoice in these new developments and yet I feel so sad at the same time.
This is what I feel is key to my conflicting feelings. Our relationship has changed with her in profound ways and really in many still unknown ways. I think maybe all of us feel overwhelmed by that reality and don't know how to respond to the many ways our individual lives have changed and our dynamics have shifted. It wasn't that we weren't used to helping her out. It was just that it was on her terms and now it's not on her terms because she is dependent on everyone for everything. It has been a humbling, painful and confusing process for us all...and we can't talk about it. James and I can talk about it but she can't talk about it...she can't do anything...except sit with the reality of her situation and try to find it within herself to want to go on and fight for a moving target called her new life.
THIS is why I felt the way I felt after leaving on Tuesday evening. I just didn't know until now. The beauty of blogging.
Monday, April 21, 2008
3:30am
My new experience with insomnia has been anything but a big pain in the rear over this past week. Last night was an exception to that when James and I stayed up until 3:30am talking about everything and nothing at all. We haven't had that many of those types of night. You know the ones you are supposed to have at the beginning of a relationship...we talked all night...blah, blah, blah. We both value and love sleep way too much for that nonsense but last night was different and a much needed time to connect in the midst of a very challenging time for us and our young marriage. We weren't talking about us or even the current state of events and our fears and anxieties for the future but just life...family, lessons learned and past experiences...like I said nothing and everything all at the same time. I couldn't believe it when James told me it was 2:30am but we then proceeded to share with each other and ask each other questions until an hour later when we finally decided we should probably stop and go to sleep.
Tonight is a different night. James is sound asleep next to me and I'm up (again!) after having already fallen asleep only to wake up a short time later. Last night was special and surely what the doctor ordered for our weary and tired souls.
Tonight is a different night. James is sound asleep next to me and I'm up (again!) after having already fallen asleep only to wake up a short time later. Last night was special and surely what the doctor ordered for our weary and tired souls.
going green
After reading an article in no other than my People magazine, James and I decided to make a concentrated effort to go green in some areas of our life. The article talked about how many plastic bags (those you get a grocery stores and the like) end up not being recycled and then wind up in the ocean where whales think they are jellyfish, eat them and then get very sick. Other sea animals are adversely affected by them as well. I told James this and we decided to do our part in order to cut down the amount of plastic bags out there in the world. I had previously purchased a couple of bags from Target and today while at Target we purchase a few more.
The part that actually surprised us is that those reusable Target bags hold a lot of stuff cutting down the bags we are carting to the car and into our house by like a quarter. We decided that going green in this area was a win-win situation and that heck, we preferred using reusable bags.
All this time not only were our plastic bags harming the animals of our sea but they were also largely inefficient at carrying around our stuff! After emptying my Target reusable bags, I proceeded to hang them with the others I had previously bought right on the front door handle so we aren't forgetting them before our next trip to Target or wherever our shopping ways take us.
Take your stand people in not using plastic grocery bags!
The part that actually surprised us is that those reusable Target bags hold a lot of stuff cutting down the bags we are carting to the car and into our house by like a quarter. We decided that going green in this area was a win-win situation and that heck, we preferred using reusable bags.
All this time not only were our plastic bags harming the animals of our sea but they were also largely inefficient at carrying around our stuff! After emptying my Target reusable bags, I proceeded to hang them with the others I had previously bought right on the front door handle so we aren't forgetting them before our next trip to Target or wherever our shopping ways take us.
Take your stand people in not using plastic grocery bags!
Three week update
Dear friends and family,
Tomorrow marks three weeks since Jane suffered her stroke. Here's where we are at:
Tomorrow marks three weeks since Jane suffered her stroke. Here's where we are at:
- Jane is in a skilled nursing facility (what James and I refer to as "snf"). We like the place very much. It's close to us and on the way to Jane's house so we can take care of that as well. It has been warm and welcoming.
- She has a great occupational therapist and speech therapist. The doctor that stops in weekly has been great too. Her care team gets together on a weekly basis to assess where she is at with the goals they have set for her. We are now beginning to form partnerships with these people with a meeting with the speech therapist on Tuesday to have her teach us how we can help her.
- The immediate goals are range of motion, swallowing and object identification. She has progressed well in those areas. Jane has to have an xray done to make sure she is swallowing her puree the right way and then we'll be in a process of gradually weaning her from the feeding tube and introducing soft foods. Big accomplishment! In a test to distinguish objects, she scored a 7 out of 8. Jane still isn't able to talk. She nods yes but doesn't yet nod no. Sometimes we know she is alert, aware and understanding and sometimes we aren't quite sure. She gives smile and then sometimes seems to be really sad. Yet all in all it is all good and both therapists are very happy with her progress.
- We have no idea what all lies ahead and we have to take it day by day. We are anxious about many things but trying to take one day at a time, relaying on friends and family for support and basically, surviving. It hasn't been easy for any of us. We all (Jane, James and me!) have our bad days and our good days. As a couple too, we have our bad days and our good days. We are gradually moving from survival and crisis mode to somewhere between there and a "new normal". James has returned back to work and I'm plugging away at school, practicum, graduation and job hunting
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Insomnia and an update
Sleep hasn't come easily to me these past couple of days. Last night I woke up at 1:30am and then didn't get back to sleep until 5am. Needless to say a lot on my mind and heart...
My favorite shows as a result of insomnia is Shear Genuis, Top Chef and Keeping up with the Kardashians. In the process of watching such intellectually stimulating TV, I've also started to record Step It Up and Dance. I'm open to other suggestions. I could try to grade some papers, write a paper or catch up on reading but somehow the insomnia is mind numbing and hasn't yet sparked the motivational bug I so need get going.
James' mother is now at a skilled nursing facility. Nothing much has changed. She is awake a bit more but we are still not quite sure how much she is aware of what is going on or has the ability to process anything let alone language, etc. She still has an IV and feeding tube and the speech therapist feels it is still unsafe to try to see if she can swallow since she isn't 100% able to follow commands because of this unawareness. We spent the weekend decorating her room at the skilled nursing facility. James watched a movie while I worked on homework, etc. The future is so unknown which presents itself with a host of questions we feel anxious to answer. It is hard on James, on us as a couple of and on me for a host of various reasons. It is tough. We do like the skilled nursing facility, the family of her roommate, the doctors and nurses. We were blessed to receive this placement for Jane.
We've received many blessings, support, care and concern through all of this. My MFT cohort has set up dinner for us for every day for two weeks to help us out. This has been such a huge blessing and a help. It is one less thing we have to think about in a day. We also received a very generous gift card to a grocery store today in the mail. I mean very generous. What a great help. We've received cards, monetary help and offers of help beyond what one could ever contain. It has been quite overwhelming and yet such a life saver during this time. I love community and my commitment to it has grown in the past two weeks.
Tonight does mark two weeks since James found his mom after she had suffered her stroke. I really can't believe it and yet in many ways I feel like it hasn't sunk in how much life has changed and that it will be forever changed. I can't even begin to imagine all the pain, sadness, despair and hurt that my husband is feeling. I can empathize but really have no idea what it feels like. I am proud to have a husband who hasn't escaped any of his thoughts or feelings but has risen to the occasion to care for him mom and has looked pain in the face and taken it on. He is a better person than me in this and so many other ways.
My favorite shows as a result of insomnia is Shear Genuis, Top Chef and Keeping up with the Kardashians. In the process of watching such intellectually stimulating TV, I've also started to record Step It Up and Dance. I'm open to other suggestions. I could try to grade some papers, write a paper or catch up on reading but somehow the insomnia is mind numbing and hasn't yet sparked the motivational bug I so need get going.
James' mother is now at a skilled nursing facility. Nothing much has changed. She is awake a bit more but we are still not quite sure how much she is aware of what is going on or has the ability to process anything let alone language, etc. She still has an IV and feeding tube and the speech therapist feels it is still unsafe to try to see if she can swallow since she isn't 100% able to follow commands because of this unawareness. We spent the weekend decorating her room at the skilled nursing facility. James watched a movie while I worked on homework, etc. The future is so unknown which presents itself with a host of questions we feel anxious to answer. It is hard on James, on us as a couple of and on me for a host of various reasons. It is tough. We do like the skilled nursing facility, the family of her roommate, the doctors and nurses. We were blessed to receive this placement for Jane.
We've received many blessings, support, care and concern through all of this. My MFT cohort has set up dinner for us for every day for two weeks to help us out. This has been such a huge blessing and a help. It is one less thing we have to think about in a day. We also received a very generous gift card to a grocery store today in the mail. I mean very generous. What a great help. We've received cards, monetary help and offers of help beyond what one could ever contain. It has been quite overwhelming and yet such a life saver during this time. I love community and my commitment to it has grown in the past two weeks.
Tonight does mark two weeks since James found his mom after she had suffered her stroke. I really can't believe it and yet in many ways I feel like it hasn't sunk in how much life has changed and that it will be forever changed. I can't even begin to imagine all the pain, sadness, despair and hurt that my husband is feeling. I can empathize but really have no idea what it feels like. I am proud to have a husband who hasn't escaped any of his thoughts or feelings but has risen to the occasion to care for him mom and has looked pain in the face and taken it on. He is a better person than me in this and so many other ways.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
it's the little things
I've started to note the simple things that have brought me joy in the past trying week:
1. A birdie (named my mother) inquired about the details related to the possibility of an iPhone for my graduating future. It's a material thing but something I've wanted for a long time and gives me a reward at the end of this long journey called Spring 2008 (well besides two diplomas).
2. My sister and mom booked a flight to come for my graduation.
3. My husband gave me a thank you card to thank me for all that I've done to help him and his mom in the past week. Many tears flowed...
4. James and I had sushi today. I love sushi and it was nice to enjoy a favorite meal and feel up to wanting to eat it.
5. My therapist teared up in my retelling of the events of this past week and then gave me a hug at the end of our session. I'm glad to have such a great therapist.
6. We are loved by our friends and family and their support is an active thing.
7. Last but not least, Jane is here with us.
That is it for now...
1. A birdie (named my mother) inquired about the details related to the possibility of an iPhone for my graduating future. It's a material thing but something I've wanted for a long time and gives me a reward at the end of this long journey called Spring 2008 (well besides two diplomas).
2. My sister and mom booked a flight to come for my graduation.
3. My husband gave me a thank you card to thank me for all that I've done to help him and his mom in the past week. Many tears flowed...
4. James and I had sushi today. I love sushi and it was nice to enjoy a favorite meal and feel up to wanting to eat it.
5. My therapist teared up in my retelling of the events of this past week and then gave me a hug at the end of our session. I'm glad to have such a great therapist.
6. We are loved by our friends and family and their support is an active thing.
7. Last but not least, Jane is here with us.
That is it for now...
things you do when you are vegging out
I bought a bottle of brandy for the fondue Valentine's Day 2008 and wondered a few nights ago what you could do with brandy besides just drink it on its own (cause that stuff is stinking strong!). I found a drink called "Between the Sheets" while googling and it was pretty yummy. So, for what it is worth:
1 oz. triple sec
1 oz. brandy
1 oz. light rum
1 oz. lime juice.
Shake with some ice and pour it over some ice for a nice way to unwind.
1 oz. triple sec
1 oz. brandy
1 oz. light rum
1 oz. lime juice.
Shake with some ice and pour it over some ice for a nice way to unwind.
the roller coaster
Today wasn't a good day. It wasn't necessarily bad it just wasn't progress. James' mom spent most of the day asleep. She did have a procedure done in which she was sedated and they gave her some morphine for pain last night. It was probably that she was zonked but hard for James not to see progress today. She also was pretty congested and that was new as well. We think she might be discharged to a skilled nursing facility tomorrow or Thursday. James seems to be overall doing better in the midst of this. He is eating more and actually watched a TV show with me for the first time since this all started.
We'll see what tomorrow holds...
We'll see what tomorrow holds...
Monday, April 7, 2008
What a difference a week makes...
It was a week ago today that my mother-in-law suffered a massive stroke. I can't even begin to recollect the many hours spent in the hospital and the gamut of emotions we've journeyed through in the past seven long days.
Today the doctor got to witness the benefits of the prayers you've all prayed on behalf of Jane. He said that her improvement was major. She is more alert and active as each day passes. We still have a long way to go but we are finally headed in the right direction. She is able to stay awake longer and beginning to follow commands consistently and for the doctor and nurses as well as James. She still fights all the tubes and we're not sure she fully understands what is going on but we'll take what God has been gracious to give. She is having a procedure tomorrow to get another look at her heart so we can understand the origination of the stroke and if there is any of the condition that still exists. Then if she stabilizes (blood pressure has been hard to control) and becomes more compliant (can't pull out tubes, etc.) , we should be on our way to a skilled nursing facility with physical and speech therapists that will aid in getting some of her faculties back. Anyway, that is a long road but a road that is better than what is was looking like just a matter of days ago. I haven't been able to be at the hospital with James today but I know he is encouraged when I hear a slightly relieved tone in his voice and more so he tells me he is about to dive into a full meal of a sandwich and fries. That makes a wife happy.
Continue to pray for healing for Jane and for James and I as we navigate a territory we have no idea how to handle. We are eternally thankful for those who have shared stories, sat with us, prayed with us and have been a resource to us. "Thank you" doesn't seem enough.
Today the doctor got to witness the benefits of the prayers you've all prayed on behalf of Jane. He said that her improvement was major. She is more alert and active as each day passes. We still have a long way to go but we are finally headed in the right direction. She is able to stay awake longer and beginning to follow commands consistently and for the doctor and nurses as well as James. She still fights all the tubes and we're not sure she fully understands what is going on but we'll take what God has been gracious to give. She is having a procedure tomorrow to get another look at her heart so we can understand the origination of the stroke and if there is any of the condition that still exists. Then if she stabilizes (blood pressure has been hard to control) and becomes more compliant (can't pull out tubes, etc.) , we should be on our way to a skilled nursing facility with physical and speech therapists that will aid in getting some of her faculties back. Anyway, that is a long road but a road that is better than what is was looking like just a matter of days ago. I haven't been able to be at the hospital with James today but I know he is encouraged when I hear a slightly relieved tone in his voice and more so he tells me he is about to dive into a full meal of a sandwich and fries. That makes a wife happy.
Continue to pray for healing for Jane and for James and I as we navigate a territory we have no idea how to handle. We are eternally thankful for those who have shared stories, sat with us, prayed with us and have been a resource to us. "Thank you" doesn't seem enough.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
The start of another week...
It is hard to grasp all that has transpired this past week and wonder on the eve of another week what it will hold. I find myself needing to go to bed but then wanting to stay up and forget that another week must endured. I wonder what it'll hold. The thing I tell James the most is the thing I need to believe the most myself. It is about having a plan for the day and nothing beyond that. We just don't know what is beyond today.
Tonight was a particularly tough night for us. Jane is more alert but we still don't think she is aware of what is going on. She was agitated and mad. Her son saw a part of his mom that he never hadn't seen before in her personality. The look of intense anger, trying to get out of bed with her good side and pushing James and I away with her hand. We had to step back and out of her view in order for her to calm down and go back to sleep. It kills James to want to comfort her and that he can't and that at this point that isn't what she wants. As much as I tell him that she isn't mad at him and that she just isn't aware of what he is doing, it breaks his heart to experience that interaction. I mean who wouldn't experience that as traumatic and hurtful. I just can't even begin to fathom what my husband is experiencing right now.
It just seems unfair to be married 3 1/2 months and go through what we've been up against. We aren't the only couple who has had an unexpected and rough start because of circumstances that were out of control. It just feels that way. You imagine this time of nesting and bonding because of being able to spend the smallest and the greatest of moments together. That was my fantasy. In the entire time of our marriage, we've had probably about a month total of good, restful and bonding time. We've fought like newlyweds, we've endured my own health problems and now we are the midst of a life altering circumstances with his mom. It was okay to have health problems and then adjust to marriage but then to experience this seems just all too crazy.
The crazy part is that we all were doing well. Jane especially had embraced James being married and out on his own and she had a long list of things she wanted to be about in her years to come. We had a new car picked out for her and she had plans to travel around and the like. She had even asked me the name of the website James and I had met on as she was contemplating her own search for a match. Who knows how many of her plans would have materialized but James and I found that the talk of a future for herself was an amazing and encouraging.
So, I am sad, anger, confused and frustrated at this drastic turn of events. I want to throw a pity party for myself but most of all I wonder why she didn't have more time to make her dreams become a reality. The hope it obviously she still will but that is a far in the future reality with a long road ahead for all of us.
The stark reality is that I have no idea how I would get through it without family and friends. Man, do I ever know the importance of community now more than ever. I can't even put to words what it would be like to do this in isolation. This is already a living hell as it is and to not have family and friends would be a state that was unbearable. The other thing I am learning is to ask and to say yes I do need help. James and I have had more offers from people to do anything we need done than I can even put my head around.
I still don't want to go to bed. I still don't want to start another week. Yet I've made it through another day. I praise God for that reality...even if the praise is only by faith.
Tonight was a particularly tough night for us. Jane is more alert but we still don't think she is aware of what is going on. She was agitated and mad. Her son saw a part of his mom that he never hadn't seen before in her personality. The look of intense anger, trying to get out of bed with her good side and pushing James and I away with her hand. We had to step back and out of her view in order for her to calm down and go back to sleep. It kills James to want to comfort her and that he can't and that at this point that isn't what she wants. As much as I tell him that she isn't mad at him and that she just isn't aware of what he is doing, it breaks his heart to experience that interaction. I mean who wouldn't experience that as traumatic and hurtful. I just can't even begin to fathom what my husband is experiencing right now.
It just seems unfair to be married 3 1/2 months and go through what we've been up against. We aren't the only couple who has had an unexpected and rough start because of circumstances that were out of control. It just feels that way. You imagine this time of nesting and bonding because of being able to spend the smallest and the greatest of moments together. That was my fantasy. In the entire time of our marriage, we've had probably about a month total of good, restful and bonding time. We've fought like newlyweds, we've endured my own health problems and now we are the midst of a life altering circumstances with his mom. It was okay to have health problems and then adjust to marriage but then to experience this seems just all too crazy.
The crazy part is that we all were doing well. Jane especially had embraced James being married and out on his own and she had a long list of things she wanted to be about in her years to come. We had a new car picked out for her and she had plans to travel around and the like. She had even asked me the name of the website James and I had met on as she was contemplating her own search for a match. Who knows how many of her plans would have materialized but James and I found that the talk of a future for herself was an amazing and encouraging.
So, I am sad, anger, confused and frustrated at this drastic turn of events. I want to throw a pity party for myself but most of all I wonder why she didn't have more time to make her dreams become a reality. The hope it obviously she still will but that is a far in the future reality with a long road ahead for all of us.
The stark reality is that I have no idea how I would get through it without family and friends. Man, do I ever know the importance of community now more than ever. I can't even put to words what it would be like to do this in isolation. This is already a living hell as it is and to not have family and friends would be a state that was unbearable. The other thing I am learning is to ask and to say yes I do need help. James and I have had more offers from people to do anything we need done than I can even put my head around.
I still don't want to go to bed. I still don't want to start another week. Yet I've made it through another day. I praise God for that reality...even if the praise is only by faith.
Day 6 Update
Dear Friends and Family,
James and I can hardly believe that less than a week ago we took Jane out for church, breakfast and the spent the rest of the morning at Barnes & Noble sipping Starbucks and browsing through books. It is very surreal to us.
Jane is still at Kaiser Baldwin Park and will remain here until the beginning of next week. She still spend most of her day sleeping with little glimmers of her eyes being open for more than a few minutes and the use of her left hand to try to take her tubes out! We find this mildly humorous since we know that she’d want to do that if she were more conscious. We feel like we are on an emotional roller coast of glimmers of hope followed by a tad of despair whether she’ll pull through or not and what quality of life she will have. Yet all we can do is wait, make her as comfortable as possible and continue to pray.
The doctors still haven’t figured out were the stroke originated from. Their latest theory is that some bacteria on one of her heart valves dislodged itself and that is what caused the stroke in her brain. They have to do some more testing on her blood work and look at her heart from within her to know if this was the cause. They also want to make sure they get the infection with continued antibiotics so that another stroke won’t occur. She is on a blood thinner as well. We have a really great nurse today. We started with a great one and had a terrible one for the last two days. I made it a point of telling her that she was awesome. The nurse told one of our visitors today, “Thanks for coming!” We feel like she is on our team.
So, we still wait. Our prayer requests:
• Continued prayer for Jane’s healing
• Prayer for James. He is having a very hard time as the days go on and is losing hope.
• For me, to be strong for James while holding down our fort, my schooling and clients and taking care of Jane’s business while she can’t.
We are truly grateful for all the calls, visits and support. We continue to be amazed at the quality of friends and family we have to be by our side in this tough time. Like I said, we’ll be at the Kaiser Baldwin Park until Monday or Tuesday. We’re in the Step Down Unit in room 2307 and the phone number is (626) 480-4370.
Thank you and God bless.
James and I can hardly believe that less than a week ago we took Jane out for church, breakfast and the spent the rest of the morning at Barnes & Noble sipping Starbucks and browsing through books. It is very surreal to us.
Jane is still at Kaiser Baldwin Park and will remain here until the beginning of next week. She still spend most of her day sleeping with little glimmers of her eyes being open for more than a few minutes and the use of her left hand to try to take her tubes out! We find this mildly humorous since we know that she’d want to do that if she were more conscious. We feel like we are on an emotional roller coast of glimmers of hope followed by a tad of despair whether she’ll pull through or not and what quality of life she will have. Yet all we can do is wait, make her as comfortable as possible and continue to pray.
The doctors still haven’t figured out were the stroke originated from. Their latest theory is that some bacteria on one of her heart valves dislodged itself and that is what caused the stroke in her brain. They have to do some more testing on her blood work and look at her heart from within her to know if this was the cause. They also want to make sure they get the infection with continued antibiotics so that another stroke won’t occur. She is on a blood thinner as well. We have a really great nurse today. We started with a great one and had a terrible one for the last two days. I made it a point of telling her that she was awesome. The nurse told one of our visitors today, “Thanks for coming!” We feel like she is on our team.
So, we still wait. Our prayer requests:
• Continued prayer for Jane’s healing
• Prayer for James. He is having a very hard time as the days go on and is losing hope.
• For me, to be strong for James while holding down our fort, my schooling and clients and taking care of Jane’s business while she can’t.
We are truly grateful for all the calls, visits and support. We continue to be amazed at the quality of friends and family we have to be by our side in this tough time. Like I said, we’ll be at the Kaiser Baldwin Park until Monday or Tuesday. We’re in the Step Down Unit in room 2307 and the phone number is (626) 480-4370.
Thank you and God bless.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Reflections on the past few days...
It is without a doubt been one of the hardest stretches of life in these past few days. The future is yet unknown and it is painstakingly one day at time for a long time to come.
My husband lost his father to cancer only three years ago this past January and now with his mom having a major stroke it very well could be that she'll never be the same mom that he has been used to all this time. It is a new normal and not very normal at that. I can't even begin to understand or imagine what it is to be him right now. To have lost one parent and to not know what lies ahead for the remaining parent. It is hard to see the love of your life go through something so awful. It is simply painful.
Yet, it is amazing to me how resilient one can be in the midst of dire circumstances. James gets stronger in his ability to handle the situation knowing that his mom needs him right now. Today as I lost it he was able to be there for me even though he can hardly be there for himself. It is also amazing to the focus these types of things can bring to our lives. James and I prayed for the first time as a couple last night. He asked me to pray and we sobbed as I prayed desperately for recovery. I even have yet to pray on my own and this man is asking complete strangers and non-religious types to pray for his mom. A friend of his who is not a religious man is going to pray for us just because it is us.
That is a the beauty of it all. James and I have hardly been alone in this process. As if it were a grand orchestra, we've had visitor after visitor in the hospital coming to see Jane. It's been phone call after phone call and email after email. We feel surrounded by people who loves us, will do anything for us and most importantly are praying for Jane. James' cousin Franklin has been with us for the entirety of two afternoons taking time from his wife and his job to sit with us, talk with us and take us to the cafeteria so we can eat. It was normal yesterday to see him but today we he came in again to sit with us for several hours, I was just so touched to have family who cares so much about Jane and us to sacrifice so much time. We had friends of our comes to be with James tonight while I went to see clients. They withstood rush hour traffic and took James to dinner and let him talk, reminisce and do some processing that he needed to do about the situation. None of the visitors have overlapped. All of them have been beautifully timed to keep a steady flow of support. Amazing how God is in the tiniest of details that we don't even know need paying attention to.
Now I just have to trust that God is going to be in the big and small details of the other aspects of my life that can't stop right now. My last quarter of school. My last three months of practicum. Saying goodbye to clients I've worked with for the past year. Going through the process of securing an internship. My ability to support James in a way that is helpful to him and all the decisions that lay ahead for us. That my marriage of just 3 1/2 will continue to remain strong and focused. It has been incredibly hectic for us settling into figuring out marriage for us, living together, my health problems, surgery and recovery (ref. large kidney stone!) and now this. We have known more aspects of the tough part of the marriage vows (worse, poorer, sickness) in the first several months and yet have had glimmers of the good stuff too. The wedding seems a distant memory and so does the honeymoom but we are just thankful to have each other to lean on during this time. I am so glad we were married during my health problems and he has beens o thankful we're married as we go through this with his mom. That I guess is what marriage is all about.
So, I better sign off and get some sleep. I just needed to get some stuff off my mind and other stuff I needed to process as I hit the keys of my laptop. I'm sure you can return back here often for many more ramblings in the coming days and weeks.
My husband lost his father to cancer only three years ago this past January and now with his mom having a major stroke it very well could be that she'll never be the same mom that he has been used to all this time. It is a new normal and not very normal at that. I can't even begin to understand or imagine what it is to be him right now. To have lost one parent and to not know what lies ahead for the remaining parent. It is hard to see the love of your life go through something so awful. It is simply painful.
Yet, it is amazing to me how resilient one can be in the midst of dire circumstances. James gets stronger in his ability to handle the situation knowing that his mom needs him right now. Today as I lost it he was able to be there for me even though he can hardly be there for himself. It is also amazing to the focus these types of things can bring to our lives. James and I prayed for the first time as a couple last night. He asked me to pray and we sobbed as I prayed desperately for recovery. I even have yet to pray on my own and this man is asking complete strangers and non-religious types to pray for his mom. A friend of his who is not a religious man is going to pray for us just because it is us.
That is a the beauty of it all. James and I have hardly been alone in this process. As if it were a grand orchestra, we've had visitor after visitor in the hospital coming to see Jane. It's been phone call after phone call and email after email. We feel surrounded by people who loves us, will do anything for us and most importantly are praying for Jane. James' cousin Franklin has been with us for the entirety of two afternoons taking time from his wife and his job to sit with us, talk with us and take us to the cafeteria so we can eat. It was normal yesterday to see him but today we he came in again to sit with us for several hours, I was just so touched to have family who cares so much about Jane and us to sacrifice so much time. We had friends of our comes to be with James tonight while I went to see clients. They withstood rush hour traffic and took James to dinner and let him talk, reminisce and do some processing that he needed to do about the situation. None of the visitors have overlapped. All of them have been beautifully timed to keep a steady flow of support. Amazing how God is in the tiniest of details that we don't even know need paying attention to.
Now I just have to trust that God is going to be in the big and small details of the other aspects of my life that can't stop right now. My last quarter of school. My last three months of practicum. Saying goodbye to clients I've worked with for the past year. Going through the process of securing an internship. My ability to support James in a way that is helpful to him and all the decisions that lay ahead for us. That my marriage of just 3 1/2 will continue to remain strong and focused. It has been incredibly hectic for us settling into figuring out marriage for us, living together, my health problems, surgery and recovery (ref. large kidney stone!) and now this. We have known more aspects of the tough part of the marriage vows (worse, poorer, sickness) in the first several months and yet have had glimmers of the good stuff too. The wedding seems a distant memory and so does the honeymoom but we are just thankful to have each other to lean on during this time. I am so glad we were married during my health problems and he has beens o thankful we're married as we go through this with his mom. That I guess is what marriage is all about.
So, I better sign off and get some sleep. I just needed to get some stuff off my mind and other stuff I needed to process as I hit the keys of my laptop. I'm sure you can return back here often for many more ramblings in the coming days and weeks.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
update on james' mom
Dear friends and family,
Thank you all for your warm wishes, offer to help out and mostly your prayers. We truly appreciate the love and support you have given us and feel God's presence through it. Thank you.
Just wanted to give you an update on what is going on with James' mom.
The good news is that James mom is out of the woods in terms of her getting worse. She has been stable for the first 48 hours after the stroke which means the likely hood of her getting worse has come to a close. We have a great doctor who was incredibly patient and kind who had the greatest bedside manner and was willing to take his time to explain things to use in a clear and concise way. She has moments when she is alert and looking around and other times when she is sleeping and getting the rest she needs. She has a fighting spirit and you can see that when she is trying, while sleeping, to pull out her tubes and monitoring chords! She wants out of there and we hope that can be realized sooner rather than later.
Tomorrow should bring more answers as we wait to see if she can regain consciousness for longer periods of time, movement and the basic abilities to eat, etc. We'll know whether she'll stay at the hospital for a few more days or go to a skilled nursing facility. It is going to be a long haul but we'll hopefully see some turns around the corner in the coming month. All we can continue to do is pray, keep her as comfortable as we can and let her rest and allow her body to heal.
Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. It really means the world to us!
Thank you all for your warm wishes, offer to help out and mostly your prayers. We truly appreciate the love and support you have given us and feel God's presence through it. Thank you.
Just wanted to give you an update on what is going on with James' mom.
The good news is that James mom is out of the woods in terms of her getting worse. She has been stable for the first 48 hours after the stroke which means the likely hood of her getting worse has come to a close. We have a great doctor who was incredibly patient and kind who had the greatest bedside manner and was willing to take his time to explain things to use in a clear and concise way. She has moments when she is alert and looking around and other times when she is sleeping and getting the rest she needs. She has a fighting spirit and you can see that when she is trying, while sleeping, to pull out her tubes and monitoring chords! She wants out of there and we hope that can be realized sooner rather than later.
Tomorrow should bring more answers as we wait to see if she can regain consciousness for longer periods of time, movement and the basic abilities to eat, etc. We'll know whether she'll stay at the hospital for a few more days or go to a skilled nursing facility. It is going to be a long haul but we'll hopefully see some turns around the corner in the coming month. All we can continue to do is pray, keep her as comfortable as we can and let her rest and allow her body to heal.
Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. It really means the world to us!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
weary and scared
As some of you may already be aware, my mother-in-law Jane, suffered a large stroke on Monday night. She is at Kaiser Baldwin Park in the Step Down Unit. She is stable and we have to wait a few more days for the swelling to go down in her brain to know what we are up against. She was the most alert we had seen her tonight. She fights the blood pressure cuff and the nurses poking at her. She is a retired nurse and they say that nurses makes the worst patients! Her stubborn and fighting spirit are intact in this one and for that we are thankful. She is responsive to people talking to her and especially responsive to James. She is unable to talk and has no movement on her right hand side (stroke was in left side of brain) yet she is breathing on her own and all vitals have generally been good. James and I spent all last night and today with her and are at home tonight to get some much needed rest. We'll go back tomorrow when she'll have more tests and we hope be even more alert and gain some function back.
As you can imagine, my husband is in great turmoil. He feels guilty and responsible and just desperately doesn't want to lose his mom. He is being as strong as he can but we've shared countless cries and prayers together over the past 24 hours. He also was the one to find her at her home, conscious but unable to move. This traumatic event has been a constant image in his mind.
My prayer requests are as follows:
*Healing for Jane
*Wisdom the doctors and wisdom for James and I as we make decisions for Jane's care
*Strength for James and I and our marriage... that we would be a team and remain strong and gentle to each other
*That James and I would take care of ourselves so we can be the best for Jane
*Mercy as I complete the last quarter of my graduate education and finish up seeing clients at my practicum site
Your prayers in this direction would be great.
I'll keep you updated as I can.
As you can imagine, my husband is in great turmoil. He feels guilty and responsible and just desperately doesn't want to lose his mom. He is being as strong as he can but we've shared countless cries and prayers together over the past 24 hours. He also was the one to find her at her home, conscious but unable to move. This traumatic event has been a constant image in his mind.
My prayer requests are as follows:
*Healing for Jane
*Wisdom the doctors and wisdom for James and I as we make decisions for Jane's care
*Strength for James and I and our marriage... that we would be a team and remain strong and gentle to each other
*That James and I would take care of ourselves so we can be the best for Jane
*Mercy as I complete the last quarter of my graduate education and finish up seeing clients at my practicum site
Your prayers in this direction would be great.
I'll keep you updated as I can.
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