a moment of clarity

I don't think about my life a lot and it's really not that unintentional. It's more about survival. Tonight was one of those nights that I have the rare opportunity to see my life the way it is and the surprising part is that I chuckled. I didn't feel sad or hopeless that we take care of my MIL and how limiting it is, difficult and the future way unknown. I didn't feel stressed or overwhelmed by the responsibility of my job. I just laughed. My life really is bizarre. Funny bizarre.

Although I can't say much about my job as a therapist. Confidentiality and all that. I can say that I work with at-risk youth, emphasis on the RISK. It's the total opposite population in which I ever intended to work with but as things work out, I LOVE IT. It's demanding, challenging and often heart breaking. It's rewarding too. It's a bunch of things and often I leave the day thinking about sessions wondering how I heard all that and I'm still standing. Enough said.

Then, I often help my husband take care of his mom. My mother-in-law (MIL) or as I like to call her, "Ms. Magoo", "Trouble", "Silly" or "Mommasita Bonita". It just depends on my mood...and hers. Anyway, for those who need a refresher on the condition of the MIL, she's what we call in the caregiving world, TOTAL CARE. She can't really do much for herself although 50% of the time I can convince her to help me in some capacity. The quick and dirty is that we change her diapers and provide medication through a tube she has in her stomach... among other things...well everything for her comfort and survival. Again, total care. She can use one side of her body but the other is still paralyzed hence she can't walk and, oh, she still can't talk.

The moment came tonight when I finished up a progress note. I'm thinking about a case and what's going on....blah, blah, blah...tough, difficult, worry, etc. and then I get up to go change my MIL's diaper, give her medication and put her bed for the night...like without skipping a beat. As I was proceeding to begin to convince my MIL to help me by removing her blankets and beginning to undo the side of the diaper in which she can access with her own hand, I had this moment of clarity in which I realize how bizarre a day in my life really is. By day therapist to at-risk youth trying to assist them (convince, beg, plead!) in making different choices and by night changing my MIL diapers, I mean who freaking lives a life likes this! This is when I chuckled. I mean, seriously, my life is rando!

Then again, I am married to a magician. My name is unsual and I still have never had the chickenpox. It looks like I may have been destined for the rando and bizarre.

Friendly Family Mail

Today I got a piece of mail from my mom addressed to both the husband
and I. You may be thinking why would lifegirl be posting such a boring
sentiment on this here blog. Well, it's because one, we didn't ask my
mom for money this time and two, we never get email addressed to both
of us by my mom. Nothing wrong with it but usually the mail from the
mother is addressed to me. But I digress...

In the envelope was a note addressed to the husband and I and again
I'm struck at the oddity. The content of the note revealed all,

"Thought you would enjoy seeing what you'd be in for if you were ever
able to move to Ohio. Love you! Mom"

Ah! I understand. The mother move to continue to sweeten the deal to
move to the OH.

Enclosed were two articles.

The two articles enclosed were about people hanging pairs of shoes on
a tree for good luck and big black bears wandering up to people's
houses in search for food.

This is supposed to convince me to want to move to the Midwest. Crazy
shoe tree worshippers and bears knocking on my window. I think I'll
stick with my gun shots, road rage, cement parks and high prices
thankyouverymuch.

All sillyness aside, little things like that make me wonder if really
I could make the move in order go be close to my family again. The
cool part is that they are out here for vaca next week! Yipee!!!

Marriage Moment #184

Double check that when you are on the phone with your husband, that he
isn't also working on a project. This will save you ample amounts of
time by avoiding those long pauses after questions and the emotional
stress of arguments in which he swears you never told him that key
piece of information that you most certainly did tell him.

This has been a public service announcement. Thank you.

Test

This is a test of the emergency broadcasting system...err, the Zoey
email blogging system. This is only a test...

Routines, routines...the beauty of routines...

Last Thursday night, I decided I had enough of the foul odor coming from the dogs. You see, I have a thing about smells. I smell everything. I often enter the house and remark to my husband, "What smells? Do you smell that?" He mostly replies, "No".

Well, enough was enough with these little doggies. I was hell bent on giving them baths.

The funny thing that occurred to me while I was in the process of the giving them a bath is that there is a specific ritual/reaction/routine that each dog exhibits. It can really be broken down into three stages.

Pre-Bath/Bath/Post-Bath

Roy, the older dog, doesn't see the bath coming. He ends up in the tub and doesn't seem to mind the bath much except, "DON'T even come close to trying to wash my mouth area because I will BITE YOU!" This dog being almost 100 years old in human years (that's 14 years old in dog years) is all the time cranky and unfortunately his little mouth is painful to the touch. Then he emerges from the bath looking like a drowned rat. He then proceeds to run to the first available carpeted area of our house and rub his face against the carpet as if to say, "It burns. It burns. It burns. Why? WHY? Why does she have to use the water and the soap on me? IT BURNS."

Scoti smells the idea coming from the first time I think it in my head. I grab for the soap. Then I call for him and he's underneath my MIL's bed almost impossible to reach. I've wised to this so I hunt him down and he goes first in dog bath mania. After securing him by means of brut force, I proceed to the bathtub and use the shower curtain liner as a mock wall on the left and shove the other half of my body against the right shower wall edge. The water has already been turned on (this comes before I try to locate the dog) because I have to use one hand for the shower head and the other to keep the dog in the tub. I've moved to turn the shower on after putting the dog in the tub but that ends up with the dog exiting the tub. Not good. Anyway, after fighting with the dog in the tub, he gets washed. After drying him off, Scoti proceeds to run around the house like a psychotic loon. Up and down the hallway. Around all pieces of furniture. It likes the shower gives him a burst of energy only a psychotic break can give one.

Lastly, they beg me, BEG ME to go outside. I try to hold them off as long as possible but succumb to their need to get dirty again. "I CAN'T stand to be clean. I must get dirty. NOW. NOW. NOOOOWWWW."

It tires them out so much they then take a nap. I mean if you had the traumatic experience of taking a bath once every two weeks, I'm sure you'd display these same reactions.

a day in the life...

James came into the house from working the garage.

Z: Your mom was hollering. I guess she wanted the fan on.

J: I just turned the fan off. She wanted the fan off.

Z: Well, I don't know because turning the fan on made her happy.

J: Oh. Ok.

A day in the life of caring for an aphasiac person.

Deflated with a dose of the defeated

My goal tonight was a blog entry. Obviously, I met this goal by this entry but it came in the way of kicking and screaming. Ok, there was no kicking and screaming. It was more of an internal kicking and screaming. Nonetheless, here I am. Tonight started off good. I was productive and feeling glad to be home. I haven't been too motivated at work but was able to get past that after venting a bit about possible roots to my feelings. I moved right along until I checked the mail. The IRS discovered that a chunk of unemployment money from James was never filed. This was 2007. We were married only 16 days. Basically, our tax person made a mistake in not including it and we never double checked the return before signing off. Our bad. The cynical part of me screams, "Sorry, we were busy helping my MIL through a catastrophic stroke." It is followed by the other cynical part of me that says we paid someone $165 to not have to double check their work. All that is besides the point. Uncle Sam calls and he don't play. It's money. It's a lot of money. Almost $1,000. Still, it's money. We'll pay it and move on with our lives. Lessons learned. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I think the problem is that it's one thing after another. At least it feels that way. The last year and one month was a series of instances that have cost a lot of money and/or been an extreme headache. We've got through them. We are getting through them. We are the better for our trials. I used to not be able to say that. I can begin to say it now. BUT SERIOUSLY, give this girl and her husband a freaking break. Please.

So, tonight I had a couple of goals. They were "Sharpen the Saw" and "Big Rock" goals. One was the mental sharpening that writing/blogging brings to me. The other was a thank you note that I wanted to write. There were a few "to-do's" I wanted to get to. I just feel deflated with a dose of the defeated. So, I write this because I want to meet my goal. The discipline to meet my goal is good as I don't feel quite as deflated and/or defeated as I did a few short paragraphs ago.

Unhappy Anniversary

Today marks an anniversary of sorts. It's not something to celebrate in the slightest but something significant in which to pause and reflect on as it's had a huge impact on my life. Today is the one year anniversary of my mother-in-law's (MIL) catastrophic stroke.

It's hard to sum up what it's meant for myself, my marriage and especially my MIL. It is still too raw and unstable and at the same time static and predictable. We're solely responsible for the welfare of another person and feel totally inadequate to do so. We've made in-roads in the day-to-day care of my MIL and yet are dealing with other issues far beyond our knowledge or experience or financial means...health insurance/medicare/medical, major house repairs, ect. We've had to stand in the gap of my MIL's life and in many respects put our individual and marital life on the back burner. To say it's been hard is an understatement. We speak of the future and collapse under the weight of both the possibilities and the restraints only to realize we can still only exist in the day to day...still...for now.

My MIL is happy to be in her own home and cared for by her son and daughter-in-law and the wonderful caregivers we've met along the way. She still can't talk, eat or use the right side of her body. Chances are she never will especially as we mark one year since her stroke. She can smile and smile she does and I can't remember seeing my MIL smile as much before the stroke. She can laugh and she does as her and her son play and tease each other in their own little way. Her and I still find a way to gang up on my husband and tease him endlessly just as we did prior to the stroke. She still watches Food Network all day long eventhough only mashed potatoes and a piece of cake appeal to her and only a few bites at best. She's still a stubborn Irish woman refusing nutrition, baths and exercises -- the only one on earth that gets the pleasant version about 99% of the time is me, her daughter-in-law. Her and I have an agreement she can be mean to everyone else except me. It's working out for both of us so far. :)

I love my job as a therapist to at-risk adolescents. I never in a million and a half years expected to enjoy it and in many respects it's another area in which I feel sooooo unprepared. Yet I feel challenged and I'm motivated to become a better therapist. The staff at my school site as well as the staff at my agency have been supportive and helpful. I'm quickly becoming a master at Department of Mental Health paperwork. I never wanted to become a master at it but I'm all the better for it.

My husband and I are hanging in there. Hanging in there is really good for what we've been through. We've been married 1 year and 3 1/2 months. Again, his mom had the stroke one year ago. Oftentimes it feels the majority of our marriage has been defined by this event and it really it has been. We work hard to keep the "us" intact in the midst of this very not about "us" situation. We know we are all the better for it but it's hard for such a young marriage to endure such a trying time. Yet we are hanging in there. We are deeply indebted to our couples therapist. Seriously.

My husband is taking care of his mom in a full-time capacity during the week. He's pretty amazing to do such a thing to give his mom a dignified and comfortable life. He's on a leave from his full-time job and probably won't be returning. He's still pursuing his magic career and we're hoping it'll continue to pick up as he spends his down time during the day doing that.

My mom and my sister are doing well. I don't see them hardly at all as compared to the past. I miss them terribly and especially regret not being a part of my nieces lives. I will enjoy a week long vacation in Ohio in a couple of weeks. I'm already anticipating the flood of tears as I'll have to leave them after such a short week. That's how much I miss my family. It's pathetic.

I still have the greatest of friends--old and new. Those who listen to me bitch and moan about my difficult life and empathize and assist me in drawing conclusions and new revelations.

All in all, I know I have a lot to be thankful for in spite of my frustration for the things that have been incredibly difficult. I have a job, a roof over my head, food and a husband who adores me, friends and an amazing family. I still have a lot more than many others. A lot more.

Facebook Fun

So, if you have a Facebook account, you've been tagged 12 times and instructed to do this ditty...

25 Random Things About Me

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I heart swirls -- anything with a swirl design I want to own. It's even better if the swirls design has some flowerly design incorporated into it.
2. I have to remind myself sometimes that I met my husband on the freakin' internet.
3. I've never had the chicken pox.
4. I love to take baths...love it.
5. When I used to do TKB classes on a regular basis, I'd often get goose bumps while doing the routines because I was so in love with it.
6. The best investment I've made recently is a white noise maker called a sleepmate.
7. When I get enough sleep, I'm a nice person.
8. My favorite white wine is Reisling.
9. I'm writing this as I watch a movie with my husband. The only time I ever just sit and watch a movie...do nothing else... is at the movie theaters... because people would yell at me if I did something else.
10. I read People magazine from cover to cover... starting Friday night and ending Sunday night...sometimes earlier. I love celebrity gossip.
11. I get excited when my clients want to play a game while we talk about life...cause I love to play games and talk about life. I've learned more games and more about life as a result of the privilege of knowing them.
12. I'm married to a magician and he's one of the best magicians I've seen. I'm partial and yet I think I'm right.
13. I'm now a connoisseur of magic and a critic. It's hard to entertain me now.
14, I'm a part of a love triangle. My two dogs fight over me.
15. I smell everything I am going to eat. If it doesn't smell good, then I don't eat. I also won't eat anything past the expiration date. I can't get past it psychologically.
16. I started drinking alcohol while attending seminary. I also have never done any drugs.
17. I love my iPhone. I am seriously obsessed. I have a nightly ritual of crawling into bed and checking the weather channel application, the mobile news application and making sure I'm up-to-date on the latest status updates on Facebook.
18. I listen to Adam Carolla in the morning and Tom Leykis in the evenings. My husband thinks I'm the best wife because I listen to these guys. There's other reasons why he thinks I'm the best wife...
19. I think sometimes that I'll never go to church again...
20. I love cars... I wish I was rich so I could own many, many cars.
21. I love coffee makers... I admit I try to keep up with the Jones' when it comes to coffee makers.
22. If there were an Office Supplies Anonymous, I'd be compelled to go and others would encourage the admission that I have a problem with acquiring office supplies for the sake of acquiring office supplies.
23. My mom, sister and husband don't let me wander into the pen aisle of Office Depot unattended.
24. I can't whistle to save my life. I also don't have the genes to roll my tongue.
25. I love to take baths, float in the pool or splash in the ocean. I love water.