words and phrases i've learned being a therapist

I'm sitting in the library diligently try to catch up on progress notes. I'm listening to some recorded session because apparently when you have 19 clients (well, 22 with my private practice clients), you can't quite remember everything. The thought occurred to me that I've developed quite a expanded vocabulary not only clinically as I try to write like I have a master's degree but also as I've interacted with the kids at my site. This in one new phrase that I've learned since being a therapist and a real life example of how it was used outside of my site:

"for a minute": A time span implying a very long time.

An example, the AT&T guy used this phrase on Monday night when we picked up a new phone for my husband. It went something like,

Husband: "I've been with Verizon since they were AirTouch."
AT&T guy: "Yah, you've been with them for a quick minute."

My husband looked perplexed. I just kept on keeping on. I know a quick minute means a long, long time. I had to let the husband in on the new definition of minute.

More to come...

alls you people are driving me nuts

I told my husband last night at 2:30am in the morning that everyone under this roof is driving me nuts...

Last night at 2:15am, I awake to the rattling of a cage. The dogs stay in a big kennel in our room for the night time. Scoti is a perfect angel and is just as content as can be in his kennel. Roy is mostly content but often DEMANDS to be taken out of the kennel at such fun times at 2:15am in the morning during a work week. I first ignore him then tell him to be quiet. Then I rattle the cage back at him which only works for about a minute which is comparably longer than the every second that ensued before that. Only to eventually take him out of the kennel and properly escort him outside to do his business. Oh, I didn't tell you the dogs WEREN'T house trained and James and I have been in the long, arduous process of house training. There is something to the saying you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Flip. Anyway, Roy (the dog who is my little furry, smelly and licky thorn in my side) barks to let me know he is done being outside. Then crawls into bed with me and James. He doesn't decide to sit at the bottom of our feet like ever other dog in America... he has to sit at the top of the bed right above my head. There he passes out for the rest of the morning only to wake startled when I would toss or turn...like I was inconviencing him. I'm so sorry...

Roy is obsessed with me. He follows me around everywhere! He wakes me up in the middle of the night because he wants to be next to me. Seriously, I'm not cut out for parenthood...and I think this little stinker of a dog would somehow hurt our child secretly because of jealously. Already, I am in the middle of a bitter love triangle between Scoti and Roy. Dare I show them affection at the same time. A barking brawl breaks out. It's not pretty.

I'm moving out to the backyard. Pewter, the cat, she doesn't drive me nuts. Her and I could live peacefully out in the backyard.

ancestry.com

Last night I got hooked on a genealogy sight called ancestry.com. I have longed wanted to do this and the mood struck me last...all that way until 3am in the morning. I still have some work to do on it and I wish I could find more current information on family that has been estranged but I did find a great photo of who I am sure is my father's biological father. He died when my father was 15 years old and by that time my grandmother had already married my grandpa. I also found the New York Passenger List of when my poppa and my nana and the kids (including my mom) came from England. Very cool.

the bubble bath

I'm here to report that the distraction I bought at the store yesterday in the form of yummy bubble bath was just that...quite yummy. There is a nothing like an aromatic, bubble-filled and relaxing bath. Well worth it.

I got a job!

I was officially offered a position as therapist at Pacific Clinics this morning. I had the interview on Friday and they told me in so many words that I got it but they couldn't tell me that I got it. References, blah, blah, blah. So, now I can officially say "I got a job!"

It is a therapist position working with at risk youth. They are in a charter school and it's kind of the last ditch effort to get them on track and graduated. That's the jest of it. It's a self-starter type of position where I'll be making appointments with kids and their families at home or in school. I get a laptop and a cell phone and I go in for supervision and a bi-weekly staff meeting.

So, I'm excited...to make money, to get lots of hours done and to meet a challenge I have not met yet. It'll be a tough and intense job with lots of paperwork and ambition but it's obviously the results that'll be the most rewarding! The cool thing (although we need the money) is that I still have several weeks until I'll probably start. Most likely my first day will be my 32nd birthday, October 20th.

The need to focus

Today on my way back from my therapy appointment in downtown Pasadena, I stopped by Sephora to get some makeup. I realized once I left the store that I have a succinct approach to going into stores like these. "Stores like these" meaning stores I love and want to spend lots of time in but if I do then I'll spend lots of money that I should not spend. That's "stores like these". I realize this because I zoom into the store trying not to look at anything. I just get what I need and then I get in line. Tonight it almost worked but then I saw the bottle of my favorite body wash/bubble bath/shampoo. The ones that have all the food scents. Black licore made it home with the make-up I really needed. But tonight I will enjoy a yummy bubble bath which in the long run, I really do need.

dread realized

All I could think of as I was waiting 1 1/2 hours for the transportation company to come pick us up from the doctor's office was a cold, stiff drink. The strong one this afternoon was certainly the MIL. I was near meltdown and I'll tell you why...

At 12:45pm, I started my preparations to take my MIL to the hospital for her follow-up appointment with her doctor. Got an extra diaper, wipes, pajama and vomit receptacle. I had my list of questions and her Kaiser card and ID. I was set to go. I successfully got her into her wheel chair using the Hoyer lift and almost comfortable. The butterflies in my stomach subsided at this point. The transportation company came on time and we were off. We got to the hospital, got checked in and into the doctor's office in decent doctor's off time. The appointment went well and I got all my questions answered, etc. Jane really didn't even have to be there. He all of listened to her lungs. Seriously that was it. Oh, the nurse took her blood pressure. Anyway, we did it and it was over. Then I called the transportation company to say, "Pick us up!" We'll be there in 30 minutes, they said. After 40 minutes, I called again. They are on the 10 freeway and it'll be another 10 minutes. So, when I called 25 minutes after that and then waited another 30 when they told me there were only a mile away...let's just say that I was a bit frustrated. Jane was good but I was near meltdown. Apparently, MTrans doesn't know that I don't have any nerves left! Finally after my MIL had been in the wheelchair about 3 hours and 45 minutes (her range is about 15 minutes to 1 hour!), they arrived. I was relieved to know we were about 10 minutes from being hope but then my MIL got a bit clamy and sure enough vomit-city was going to come upon us again. Thankfully, it subsided and we got home. James was home at the time so that helped to have him take over at that point.

We got her in bed and she was out (like asleep). I'm sure that I'll follow soon after I've had some grub and that stiff one I talked about.

The good news...for my nerves especially...is that we've hired a live-in caregiver. She's competent, affordable, great references and will be a huge help to James and I in having some time for ourselves. She'll provide Jane with great care. I hope it works out in the long term. We are interviewing someone tomorrow for interim weekend work. It looks like things are coming together. The new cynical side of me hesitates but the usual optimistic side wants to come out and say that this will all work out.

dread

In about an hour from now, I'm taking my MIL to her primary care doctor for a follow-up appointment post skilled nursing facility. It was supposed to be last Friday when my husband was still on leave but as luck would have it the doctor "wasn't in clinic" that day and had to reschedule. Obviously, "wasn't in clinic" meant the doctor was taking a four day weekend at the last minute. I can't blame him and yet it leaves me with extreme anxiety as I take on the task today.

If it were just throwing her in the car and going, it obviously wouldn't be such a deal but taking my MIL to the doctor means a $62 round trip from a non-medical wheelchair transportation company, using the Hoyer lift by myself (a saga in itself) and trying to make her comfortable for an extended stay in the wheelchair. The sigh of relief I will have when we roll back into this house is just going to be sure bliss.

Wish me luck...

Do you know this tune?

"F to the R to the E to the E to the C to the R to EDIT RE to port to the dot to the com. Come on everybody grab your bike and sing along."

Yep, that is James favorite jingle as of late. Do you know the commercial? He seriously gets excited and sings along when the commercial comes on. He'll also busts out spontaneously the jingle.

He also has a special little dance for the theme song for The Office. It's real special too.

My nerves, my nerves, my nerves

As I am relaxing after a long day of care taking and a couple of interviews for caretakers, James calls me from his mom's room in a panic. As I round the corner I hear him saying, "Are you going to throw up, Mom?" I tell James to put his mom up but at that point she is already starting to vomit and as history repeats itself James is starting to look a bit faint as well. James sits down and his eyes start going and I pull the MIL up to a seated position. There is this thing that we've heard a million times since the MIL had a stroke... aspiration. Aspiration is when one throws up inside themselves. It can lead to pneumonia and pneumonia and its complications can lead to no good things like death. When you can't control one side of your body, it is hard to prompt yourself up so that you project out. Now you know why I am pulling my MIL up in a forceful fashion to a seated position. As I am cleaning up the MIL, James is getting up only to really not feel good and I'm seeing his eye balls start to roll again. Fortunately, he can lay down, put his feet up and recover from nearly passing out again.

I return to the coach exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally and my nerves shot again.

I'm so glad tomorrow that I have to get my MIL in a wheelchair and take her to the doctor's office all on my own. I'm already visually the relief I will feel when the transportation company drop us off and she is back in bed. The bright side is I only have my MIL to deal with if she gets rattled as opposed to the MIL and my weak stomach husband to manage.

Hole? Where is the hole I want to crawl in? My nerves need a break.

On the bright side, we interview someone tonight who is experienced, affordable, pleasant, a self-starter and wants to start immediately. She can start and we won't have much to train her on other than where she can find stuff. If he references check out, we'll be good to go and my nerves might have a chance to recover after all. We can only hope.

Learning a different language...

Today I figured out something else about my MIL in our constant effort to try to communicate with someone who can't talk and has thus far not been able to use communication devices, a pad of paper and a pen or the simple gesture of pointing. She's been doing this thing lately that we haven't been able to figure out. With her "good" leg she'll bend it and then try to lift herself up. My husband and I couldn't figure it out. Did her leg hurt? Her bottom? Was she moving because she was in some kind of pain? Did she have gas and the movement showed some type of working it out? I figured it out today. It means she'd like to lay back almost flat in her bed. She is trying to demonstrate the desire to go back. Ahh!! That felt good to figure out another piece of the puzzle of her needs and wants.

My mom got an iPhone...

My mom finally got an iPhone. Supposedly, we'll keep in touch bettter if we both have iPhones. I agree. I am much more excited to make any type of call using my iPhone. So far we have kept in touch better. The miracle of the iPhone.

Anyway, now I get lots of cool pictures sent to me from her iPhone.

My new appendage...

I'd like to introduce you to my new appendage... Roy (short for Royal Jack). I can't walk around the house without him at my feet. I can't even go to the bathroom without him at my feet. I gotta start closing the door to have some peace! Roy is Jane's dog but since Jane isn't up and about, he has adopted me as his end all be all. This is me trying to work on my laptop. Granted I put him on the desk to sit down next to me but this is him insisting that next to him isn't quite close enough. Serious boundary issues. He is right now taking a little snooze on the floor next to me but as soon as I move he'll perk up and follow me. I'd bet you thousands upon thousands of dollars that would happen because well it hasn't NOT happened. To top it all off he licks me incessantly...if I let him!

Scoti is my other little friend but he is pretty independent. He comes to me for a little love here and there but is okay to be on his own. I'll post pictures of him some time when he isnt' shying away and Roy isn't demanding every second of my attention.

Growing up stinks...

You know that time when you were a kid and you just wanted to grow up and do cool things that adults did... well, yah, what was thinking then?!? I'd give anything to go back to the ignorant bliss of childhood.

For all of you who never wanted to grow up, good for you.

The bathroom color...

More pictures to come on our renovated house... the house James says he didn't grow up in but he did... but here is the bathroom color.

Nightmare....or is it?

Last night I had some whacky dreams...not surprising since my life is a wee bit whacky as of late.

The one I remember from last night is checking my MIL diaper with a spatula. Sure enough it came out soiled and that is how I knew to change her diaper.

Whacky dream or useful tip? I don't know.

I told my MIL this morning about the dream and that I may just use a spatula to check her next diaper and she laughed out loud. My husband didn't find it as funny.

Varying degrees of tough days...

My life in the last week is a tale of varying degrees of really tough days. Today topped it all.

Jane came home a week ago this Tuesday. It has been the longest week of my life and yet the days fly by like no other. The amount of work it takes to care for an adult who needs total care in unthinkable. I knew by the second or third day that I couldn't do this full time. It took James a few days longer but we'll be looking to hire an agency to do some care taking. I understand now why people have to make the hard decision to place their loved ones into a nursing home. It is hard in every way. It is physically exhausting and emotionally draining. It is simply too much.

Today was the day that James came around finally to the fact that this was too much for me and for him. I've had to deal with all the gross stuff. The diaper changes, the glucose testing, etc. He is a wee bit squeamish to say the last.

We took a trip to Kaiser Baldwin Park (aka my own personal version of hell) to see a neurologist. It was a follow-up appointment and it was quick. There is nothing more they can do for Jane. She's on the strongest meds to prevent another stroke and the brain just has to decide what it wants to do from now on. The quickest gains are in the first three months and since we are well past that, we are faced with the reality that barring any miracles, Jane probably won't walk, talk or eat again. Let's hope that is not the case and that progress is still made.

The appointment ended in not too long and we are on our way back home. The skilled nursing facility helped us to find a great non-medical wheelchair transportation. We used them to get her back and forth because Jane can not transport. Jane is very uncomfortable in the wheelchair and can't tolerate it too long. She worked up to 2 hours 15 minutes with the physical therapist but James and I never saw her last that long. She was ready to get out of the chair halfway through the time and when we got home, it was way past due.

We got her wheel chair lined up with the hoyer lift and that is when things started to go wrong. All of the sudden Jane was going to through up. The first thing I found was a folded up sheet but James was looking for a cup of some sort and of course, she just threw up all over herself, the wheel chair and the floor. I started to clean her up a bit so that we could get her in bed. James got a little vomit on his hand (as he told me later) and said, "I'm going to faint" and subsequently fainted. He fell into the corner of the room and was out. So, I had my MIL in the wheelchair with vomit all over her and every thing around her and my husband passed out in the corner.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

It all happened so fast I don't know what I thought. I just went in action. I am the calm, cool and collected in an emergency situation but on the inside I am seriously going to burst into tears. I still reserve the right to do that tonight.

James finally awoke as I pooked and prodded him but then I commanded him to stay sitting down while I deal with his mom. He said he just passed out and was fine but all I needed was him to catch wind of the vomit and go down again. I commanded him firmly and he stayed.

So I lifted his mom up in the hoyer lift and put her into bed. That sounded easy but it isn't. At that time, the doorbell rang. Great. It turned out to be James' cousin Franklin which was a huge relief and comfort. He has been a constant through this all and is as much (if not more) concerned about James and I and how we are doing in this process. His timing couldn't have been more perfect as we needed a little company. James and he sat in the living room as I changed Jane and got her cleaned up.

Drama.

Tomorrow a social worker comes and I'll be on the phone to get us some help as well as looking for a job to pay for it. James told me to that I can go get a massage and have a day of shopping. I'll take it.

Local vendors thank me

I have been to Carl's Jr, Best Buy and Barnes & Nobles today in an effort to relieve myself since at times during the day, I don't have access to the bathroom.  It is at each of these said vendors that I don't feel any obligation to buy but find myself walking out with a little something something.  The diet coke at Carl's Jr., the $5.99 DVD at Best Buy and the home decorating magazine at Barnes & Noble.  Come Thurday night, I'll have nothing to blame but myself since my bathroom is scheduled to be done then.  Yipee... or is it?

The House, Volume 2

My husband was up to no good and started many a project on the house that was intended to start when I got back or intended to start...never. Ok, not never but not for a very long time.... So, the painting of almost the entire interior of the house is on day five and the totally gutted bathroom is still totally gutted.  The toilet was promptly reinstalled in a temporary fashion after the first night the wife came back into town.  The kitchen countertop is completely redone in a bright white tile...although can't be used until Friday!  The tile guy told me in jest that probably wouldn't be good until Christmas dinner.  What a nice man to try to get me out of making meals for four months!  Like that guy!  Truth be told that I am sooooo sick of eating out that when James and I went out to eat last night I had no appetite and nothing sounded good even though I was hungry.  Yesterday morning I had eight men working at the house at one time.  Eight!  It was alright since for the most part all had there own section of the house to do.  Today will be only four and there might be some collision since the living room is being painted which includes the front door and the only access to get to the bathroom!  I think I might suggest the kitchen after the family room because after that it is major collision  with only the hallway and two bedrooms which have to be painted.  What do you pass to get to those rooms?  The bathroom.  We must hope for the most perfect timing to occur.  Not our strong suit or particular blessing in life at this stage but we can always hope!

My nieces.. i love them so much.

I just got back on Saturday night from a week long trip to see my family in the OH.  It was a great trip filled with many hours of play with my nieces.  Pure bliss.  I love those little girls.  Here are some of the highlights:

Emma is 2 1/2 years old.  She is as bright and as cute as ever with all the attitude and defiance of authority that she genetically predisposed to being an O'Brien and a Druce.  She doesn't have a listening problem mind you.  She hears you just fine but proceeds otherwise and as she pleases.  My sisters constant battle is to nurture this trait while staying sane.  Not an easy feat but my sister does it with much grace, a good stern voice and many good "mom looks"...of which few of them work.  The ole pick up child and place in desired location is the name of the game which is greeted with not such a pleasant welcome by one such 2 1/2 year old.  Even I, the aunt who sees no wrong in her nieces, became a wee bit exasperated.  All is forgiven when Emma asks that "Aunt Zo-Zo" gives her a bath and when we had fun play times such as dump all the toys out on the floor, walk the baby and prepare many purses with things we need, swim in the froggie pool and many other countless type of play.  The girl is always on the go.  I identify with Emma in many ways none of which are stronger than identifying with her as the older sister.  The way she interacted with her younger sister Lilla ranged on a variety of levels.  From sitting on the little sister (personal favorite when I was about her age) or try to act like the little sister to make sure standing in family is secure.  Grammy Nana was always faithful to give "baby" Emma a bottle, wrap her in a blanket and rock her.  Emma also made she to regress into baby talk and crawling as well as suddenly not knowing how to crawl down the stairs and learning with her "little" sister Lilla how to do just that.  Emma would also be a little bit of a momma to her baby sister as well.  Mostly, Emma would just want to make sure she still had the same power as Lilla had and then toss Lilla around a bit for fun.  She'll have a good time with Lilla once Lilla (or YaYa as said by Emma) gets a bit older.  Seriously, the two words that melted my heart last week were "Aunt ZoZo".  Love it.

Lilla is 10 months old...going on 30!  Seriously.  This is Emma with a sprinkle of Dave's Insanity Sauce.  Bright, delightful and fun little girl who has a little of the Evil Knievel in her or as I called her "Kamakazi".  She lives life full throttle...all the time.  She is the most curious and busy little girl.  Emma is that too but Lilla just has this little sparkle in her eye that says "I'm trouble and I know it."  Yet she is the funniest, sweetest and most precious little thing ever.  I could hold her, squeeze her and give her kisses forever.  I love all the funny little faces she makes and just how stinking vivacious she is.  She is constantly following her big sister around.  She loves her big sister and just wants to be next to her anytime she can.  She is crawling a mile a minute to keep up with her sister.  Many times Emma acknowledges but other times Lilla just gets to the scene only to have to rechart her course in the next direction that Emma is moving.  I can't wait for Lilla to be able to really be where she wants to be in the right timing  and even to lead her big sister around for a change.  I thought this was so cute for Lilla to be so enamored with her sister but I also felt something tug at my heart.  I even tear up now thinking about it.  My wish for Lilla is to find her own path.  To be enamored with her older sister but also to be confident to strike out on her own.  I think she will just like my sister did.  My sister and Lilla both share that little twinkle that says I will make my own mark on the world...just you wait, big sister.

I didn't intend this post to dip into the deep and reflective, but flipping heck, I wish I could control these stinking emotions these days.  When I left Ohio this past Saturday, I burst out into tears (again!) when my best intentions were to stuff that it down until further notice.  I even verbalize that I was feeling sad earlier in the day to try to release it a bit.  No, totally burst into tears.  Crying in the car as my mom took me to the airport.  We said no words.  I think we were both feeling the same thing.  (Crap, I am doing it now too!)  We wish Ohio and Calfornia were somehow neighboring cities rather than flipping states on almost opposite ends of the coast.  Yet they aren't and a move to Ohio is a very future idea, all other present circumstances needing to be attended to.  And it just sucks.  I hate living far away from my family especially when times are tough and I need my sister and mom at times...and to love on those little nieces a bit more regularly would make all the difference in my world.

A successful day...

I deemed this morning a successful morning when I got up and could find the coffeemaker, coffee, a coffee mug and creamer as well as a change of clothes. The only bummer is that I couldn't find my supply of contacts. I really have to find those. All in all a day where I could function! We're still waiting on that painting quote so we can get the painting started and then our lives can be unpacked. I'm trying to figure out how to make this place a little bit more livable without entirely unpacking so that I'll have to pack all over again when painting finally does happen. That task for another day...

On another successful note, I found out you can rent wheelchair accessible vans much like renting a car. We'll do this in order to take the MIL home and on the occasional trips to the doctor until we know what our long term transportation needs will be. I made one inquiry to a home health care company and found it to be a little bit more expensive than we had planned. I'll call more in the coming weeks.

Tomorrow, James and I will be trained on feeding, etc. by the speech pathologist and physical therapy things like using the lift to get the MIL out of bed and generally how to help her maneuver a bit. She hasn't been feeling well in the last day or two. This morning I checked on her and she looked a bit more rested and her color was good again. I did wake her out of her beauty sleep so I quickly left so she could get some more.

This week as well we are going to see Wicked again! I'm so excited and I'm taking off for a week trip to Ohio on Saturday. I'm excited about that too and hopefully we'll get a calm week for the husband as he'll be navigating the continued flurry of renovations, care and preparations for the MIL coming home on his own. He is very supportive of me going to visit my family but a little weary of having to weather our little storm of life without his first mate. I'm leaving the laptop here so we can do a little video chatting while I am away.

Tonight, James and I are going to go to a movie. We are needing a little escapism as we are weekly confronted with a challenge related to care for the MIL. I'm not exaggerating. Weekly. Sometimes two or three in a week or even in a day. So, we take fun when we can.

Let's hope for tomorrow I can find my contacts and another outfit to wear.

My rough life...

Last night, James and I spent our last night in Pasadena. We are a wee bit sad but far too busy and with too much still to do to give anything but a passing thought. I spent the majority of the day cleaning up the apartment and packing up two car loads of remaining stuff. The second load is still in my car. I can't muster anymore energy to unload the car and frankly I have no idea where we are going to put it. Seriously. The garage is full and we have piles high to the ceiling of the stuff we already moved. I had the passing thought just to leave it in my car until some space avails itself. We are hoping to get the majority of the interior of the house painted starting this week and will continue to live in chaos mode until then. Frankly, it really doesn't seem that chaotic because we almost have one household to take care of instead of two. I'll take boxes for a week or two more...just give me one place to take care of, thank you very much. To be honest, I think the lure of our newly finished air conditioning has also stalled the long list of things to get done. I quite enjoy sitting underneath a vent that blows cold, refreshing air on me. I couldn't decide what would be more refreshing. A dip in the pool or a sit in a recliner positioned just below an air vent. I might just do both.

So, although my life in Pasadena is coming to a close and it'll just be a place that I work or that I visit friends, I can't complain too much about the life that is to come. I'd take back my MIL's stroke any day but for now I'll enjoy the pool, the AC and a newly renovated house...and the time to make the best life for my MIL and for my husband until the next journey avails itself.

What we've been up to...

Remodeling the house... packing... moving... that's what we've been up to and we are still a long way off to the finished product.... Some pictures for you... with special shots appearing my hot husband...The washer and dryer the husband bought me...


The AC unit we hope will begin working today... we love you, our AC unit.
Windows patched up in game room/bedrooms.... When the previous owners did the addition they skipped this step... Hot husband smiling at game room aka "man room" aka "his room"... One part of the house I let him have free reign...

Laminate floor in game room... We love you too laminate floor... The rear and lower half of hot husband...
Again, game room... with view of pool table (circa 1911) that is being refurbished...



The family room... newly carpeted... note our beloved couch... We love you most of all, couch.

I'm proud to say...

...that in my last quarter and my most hellacious quarter...

I got straight A's and passed my practicum.

Who says miracles don't happen? Just got to get a job now and we'll be good....

This week

This week marks the last week of practicum. I'm barely present in it as I am also concentrating all my time and energy on the renovating of our new house and packing up our apartment. I am thankful that it is the last week as I looking forward to some time off...especially to deal with moving and all the questions around the care of my MIL. Yet it has been sad to say goodbye to a few clients and say see you in a couple of months to those who are following me to private practice. Lots of hugs and thank you's. It is very sad and very nice.

The theme of this week is, "Holy crap, we are moving in two weeks and have soo much to do to make our new home livable for us and pack up all our crap!" We are optimistic at this point. As we speak, I am overhearing all the sawing and commotion of having laminate installed in the kitchen and in the game room. The carpet guys should be hear shortly to install carpet in the family room. Next week, we'll have a handyman... Mr. Handyman... take out windows in the rooms the back up to the addition and replace with drywall. Mr. Handyman will also construct a wall to enclose our AC unit. I think Mr. Handyman is doing some other stuff around the house but I can't recall what my Mr. Handyman and THE Mr. Handyman have worked out. Oh, ugly brown paneling is being taken down and the walls underneath (hopefully we have walls undernearth!) will be prepped for painting. Our AC man and friend Paul will be finishing the AC work this week. We love Paul. The husband and RVW are moving the big stuff on Saturday and then the next weekend will follow our boxes, etc. The painter extraordinare, aka me, will be painting walls under paneling a Swiss Coffee, which is fancy for a little off white. She'll also attempt to paint the kitchen and the bathroom.

Throw in a trip to Ohio, seeing Wicked from front and center seats and finding a freaking job and also important decision around the care of my MIL (and the showering of money from heaven to help us out in that!) and we'll be good. Honestly, it is a lot and we get a little overwhelmed when we have the large looming question, hole, abyss called "our freaking government won't help us take care of my MIL at home" but we'll figure it out. We have to. Someday I'll take some pictures and you'll see them here.

How to avoid the heat, my style

Saturday morning: See a client in the first floor of the building which is air conditioned and avoid second floor whose air conditioner has been broken for the last three days.
Saturday midday: Chill in a 88 degree pool on a floatie.
Saturday afternoon: Repeat.
Saturday evening: After visiting with MIL, repeat above. Go back to Pasadena to sleep on couch underneath wall unit.
Sunday morning: Breakfast in air conditioned restaurant. Movie hop all afternoon. Return to pool after third movie because you just can't do a #4 with husband and RVW.

I can totally do this 100 plus weather with my pool, my movie theatre and a wall unit. Bring it.

Only in my house...

Only in my house do I pack up Elvis, Jack Sparrow and Indiana Jones actions figures and then jump five feet when I accidentally turn on the light saber while putting it back on the shelf. Apparently Box City and U-Haul don't have boxes specifically designed for light sabers so it has to be hand carried to our new home. Honey, don't worry, I wrapped the big Jack Sparrow in tissue paper...not newspaper but nice tissue paper. You're welcome.

Only in my house...

Radio Silence

So, yes, I have been quite silent on the blog for the last week. I've been rather busy. Here's a recap:

So, after a week from hell (aka last week), my mom and sister came into town on Friday for my graduation. We had a leisurely afternoon followed by a race of activity for the rest of the weekend. Graduation was long and boring (minus the part where I walked so gallantly across the stage) but it is done. I am so glad it is done. Father's Day was spent down at my Poppa's apartment where we partook in pizza and general silliness.

My mom and sister left on Monday afternoon and continued on with my week of practicum and starting to prepare for project #31249...moving! I went to Box City and got, what do you know boxes, to start to pack it up. I indulged myself on Thurday morning to massage and facial at Burke Williams. Pure bliss. Thanks to my old job and the rather large gift certificate I got for leaving (I gotta leave jobs more often!), I got out of there paying $60.

Better week. Very glad.

no pity please

WARNING: This post may be a bit raw. Read at your discretion. Sorry, Mom and Carrie. I used bad words.

Today by far was one of the worst days of my life. I've had more of them than I can count in the past in the past three months. Today might have taken the cake. The only good part about today is that no one died.

My mother-in-law (MIL) is fine and is ready to go back to the skilled nursing fuckility (snf). (Yes, I meant to write it that way.) It was a bladder infection and they could have dealt with it at the snf. Somehow my MIL had a radical change in her mental status and that is what brought the snf to send her to the hospital. She had a fucking stroke people! Read your damn research about stroke patients and bladder infections. Or just read about stroke patients. Mood swings. Personality change. You have mood swings and a personality change too if you had a bad bladder infection. I know cause I had one plus a f-ing large kidney stone. My mood swung and my personality changed and I haven't had a stroke. Bladder infections send stroke patients off a little bit more than us non-damaged brain people. Read. My confirmation was a visit by the doctor at the hospital that was like "Um, yah, there is no reason for her to be here." Seriously. Thanks for the $600 trip to the hospital, snf. Love ya.

So, my MIL is ready to go back to her beloved snf only to be told by the nurse at the hospital that there are no beds available to her. They gave away her fucking bed to another patient. Nice. My husband (who is without a working cell phone and a car) calls me in a panic. People, I will try to explain away all the reasons why you aren't doing your job the way it should be done but even nice me has a limit. The limit has been reached. After several, and I mean several calls to the snf, I get the following answers:

1. Yah, if you are on Medi-Cal they hold the bed for 7 days or if you are not, then we give the family the option to pay privately to hold the bed until the patient returns. Great policy. Wonderful. So, do you like notify us of that policy or is it in the fine print of the 50 page sign your life away document that we signed when we got to this place? I don't know. A courtesy call would have been nice and maybe professional and maybe common sense. I don't know. I'm probably wrong. The response I got from the three people that I made my feelings known in a very polite way but assertive was, "Yah, sorry about that." Fuck you. I ask to speak to the head honcho.

2. Then I get a call from one said Head Honcho. HH says, "Yah, just wanted explain to you what happened. You see we are having construction on the first floor. You've probably seen it. Well, we had to clear a room for the construction...blah, blah, blah...this family will never get out of this room...blah, blah, blah...I had to make a decision and when your MIL bed opened up... blah, blah, blah...Will you forgive me? We can still be friends." Lady, you may be a woman of the cloth but I really don't need your emotional manipulation and I've never met you so no, we don't get to be friends. Forgiveness and hard feelings. I'll work on it. "I probably should have called you." Yep, probably. Never mind that we have no idea where her stuff is and all the effort we put into make it a little bit of home for her. Never mind the relationship we shared with the next store neighbor and their family. Really, if you just told us or let us come and get her stuff, it would have been all okay. Oh and I'm sorry you don't get much money from Kaiser. Thanks for sharing the little tidbit with me. I really am since I was responsible for negotiating that contract with you and them. I'm so sorry that my MIL took Kaiser insurance to be the administrator for her Medicare. She should have known. I'm not your friend and I'm not your therapist. If you'd like to see me to bitch your complaints about your job, the patients and their family, and the woe that it is to have a contract with Kaiser, my regular fee is $90 but for you we'll start negotiations at $175. After all, I've had to put my self through graduate school and you know it was expensive and they just don't give out money like they used to. Feeling manipulated and like really you don't give a shit about my life because you just want good service? I doubt it.

So, just a window into my day. My husband is stranded at the hospital coming unglued while I try to finish out my practicum and freaking graduate before I lose my mind. I finally get to pick him up at 9pm. We bond over how freaking pissed off I am. He likes it when I am pissed. Then we fight over how to make our feelings known at the snf while not getting kicked out or my MIL mistreated as result of making waves. He wants to go and make waves. I want to speak assertively about my concerns and then hurry my ass up in getting the house done, a home health care aid hired and all the hospital equipment we need for her so we can get be ready to bring her home. Then I'll make waves on my way out. It not even about the content of our fights other than this whole situation has been so hard on us individually and as couple that I think our 6 month anniversary will come and go on Sunday and just that it came and went will be a huge accomplishment. We can remember back to that brief 3 weeks when we experienced marital bliss. Crap, I can't even remember that now.

So, I need no pity. I don't want any "Let me know what I can do." or "I'm sorry." I write this entry because it's my blog and because I needed somewhere tonight to blow off a little steam. Thank you.

I think I'm getting closer to getting this one done...

"It was the best of times and it was the worst of times..." I'm not really sure that is the exact quote but you get my drift. This describes my day.

Today, I finished all the academic stuff related to graduate school. All papers in. Finals taken. I'm D-O-N-E...done. Sometimes I think of a doctorate. Today it is the farthest thing from my mind. I have paperwork to complete and turn in for my practicum but that is nothing compared to the academics. Paperwork I can handle.

So, that is supposed to feel good and be a huge relief but....

My mother-in-law (MIL) was back in the hospital today. With blood the consistency and color of tomato paste in her urine, it was back to the ER for what turned out to be a really bad bladder infection. She was admitted late this afternoon and will spend a couple of days on antibiotics and fluids until the infection clears and she's feeling better. My husband will be spending that couple days with her as well. He is there tonight and we'll spend the night in her room. She was not up for being back to that picking hospital. She was in good company because my husband and I are done with that flipping hospital as well. We've been back there now three times since her stroke!

I gave her a bad time today that I just told her last week after she had her G-tube put in that we were done with that place. I came into the ER today with hands on my hip and the question, "So, what happened? Didn't we have a deal?" She shrugged her shoulders, gave me the "I don't know" look and her good arm came up to make the motion, "Well, what are we going to do but sit and take it." She then snickered and gave me the best smile and laugh. I've never seen her smile and laugh as often as I've seen it since she had her stroke.

The person who really came unglued today with this trip back to the hospital is my husband. Naturally he has been worried beyond belief and beside her every step of the way. It felt a step back for us all and a big sucker punch to our little plan of her getting better, us getting the house ready and waiting for the time she would be ready to come home. All that is still in the works and will happen but it was the straw that broke the camels back today for James. My MIL is feeing good on a couple of Vicodin and I'm now at home but he is continuing to burn the candle at both ends. One side for him and one side for his mom. The poor guy is really feeling it and I feel so helpless. It all just sucks.

The bright side. I'm still flipping done with graduate work. My sister and mom are coming to town on Friday. My MIL will get better and is already feeling much better with some meds, fluids and antibiotics. My husband will come through as he always does. It's just going to take time for all of us to come up from the continual tidal wave of life. We'll get there. We all come from tough stock. MIL is Irish. James is Mexican-Irish. I'm English. Stubborn blood runs through and with God's continued grace, we will prevail. No stroke, bladder infection, care giving demands, graduate school demands and all the unknown that is yet to be seen will get us down for long.

Sweet!

Yep...

You know the paper I worked so diligently to turn into my professors yesterday.

Got it back today from the professor.

A-

Final tomorrow at 11am and then flipping heck... I'm done!

As my friend Michelle so aptly exclaims, "Wahoozie!"

What a relief!

It's 9:31pm on Sunday evening. I'm enjoy a much earned Newcastle (English beer) while my husband is enjoying a Corona (Mexican beer). We represent the beers we drink. I'm relaxing and blogging. He is exploring all the "Watch Instantly" movies one can watch instantly via Netflix. He is currently singing along with Elvis. It's a nice Sunday night.

I've spent the last fourteen (yes, fourteen!) hours studying today. I don't think I've ever studied for such a prolonged period of time. I've never been as motivated to be on top of my studies as I have this time around. The desire to be done, once and for all, launched me out of bed and straight to the computer. From 7:30am to 2pm, I wrote a paper and then from 2pm to 7:00pm, I completed a study guide for a final I have on Tuesday. From 7:30pm to 9:30pm, I studied with Michelle in continued preparation for the final on Tuesday. I took breaks only for coffee, water, food, the potty, calls to/from the husband and a quick shower when I couldn't stand the smell of myself anymore. That was about 5:30pm. The great part is that my paper has been sent to my professor and the study guide is complete. I'll review on Monday night and Tuesday morning and then come 12:50pm on Tuesday afternoon, I'll be walking out of class a free woman...forever. Life is sweet.

The reality is that I'm going to have to go through a "mayhem is my life" detox. I know don't know what to do with myself. I feel a sense of relief but another part of me says, "What's next?". It's not that I don't have other stuff to wrap up and projects to start. Those lists are still as long. The problem is that I have such an adrenaline rush that I actually don't know what to do when I can actually enjoy more time and even how to reward myself with the rest of the night off. Can I go to a rehab center for detoxification of adrenaline? Hah!

I'm so glad to be one step closer to the end of my graduate career. I am so ready to be done. I'm not ready to engage the real world again but ready to leave the tuition ridden, deadline obsessive, paper writing, intensive pace of the graduate world.

Hallelujah!

Friday, June 6th

Again, a photo taken at the shower! The shower took place at the house of Erin's MIL. I am obsessed with swirls and using the "A-Dep" setting on my camera I took, what I thought, was a cool picture of this old fashioned door chime in the forefront with the beautiful landscaping (and day!) kinda out of focus in the background. My friend Amber told me about that "A-Dep" setting and I think it worked out well in this case.

Thursday, June 5th

So, I'm a little behind in my photo-a-day. I actually took this at Erin's shower on Saturday. I found these flowers at one of my favorite stores on earth, Trader Joe's. They stood out to me because they were a unique pairing of flowers... bright yellow sunflowers and rather fuschia-colored alstromeria... just beautiful. I had to buy them!

Day o' Parties

Today was a day of parties! The first was helping to host a baby shower for my good friend Erin (pictures below). Then after a short visit with my mother-in-law, James and I ventured off to a graduation party at the chicken house at Knott's Berry Farm. Overall, a fun day!

Erin, the mom-to-be, giving me a glam shot. 9 months pregnant and still so hot!

There were almost as many presents on the other side of her! Baby DIP is hooked up!

Wednesday, June 4th

Baccalaureate

Tuesday, June 3rd

Another photo courtesy of Parris Studios. This is my favorite photo of my sister and I.

Real life anger (aka my venting)

In my paper, I concluded that anger was a result of something/someone getting in the way of something you wanted.

Yep, it's true. It does make me angry.

It happened this evening. I wanted something to be one way and now it's not going to be that way because of others. Now, I don't even want to do any of it.

This has happened a lot in my life lately.

I am angry a lot lately.

Now for the not sinning part of the anger. Haven't quite figured that out yet. Where's that hole I want to go hide in? Argh!

Monday, June 2nd

NOT a photo I took. This is a photo of our wedding photographer and good friend Will Parris and his beautiful wife (also, one of my bridesmaids!). Check out his blog! He is an amazing photographer. I mean who can take such a great self portrait other than a great photographer.

Photo courtesy of Parris Studios. (Did I do that right Will?)

A nice way to end my graduate education

So, I dutifully completed an assignment that was due midnight on Memorial Day. It was a survey on a particular word in the Bible. I chose "anger" from the 4 or 5 topics allowed. I just got it done. That's all I do... get it done.

Much to my surprise, I got on A on the paper. That wasn't the kicker...

The professor contacted me via email and asked if I would read my paper in class. My first thought after reading the email was, "I'm sure he got the wrong person." I reread my paper a bit and decided that it wasn't all that bad. So, I responded back with a "Sure." to the professor and then got a "Great." back.

This evening in class I did just that. It was torture. I was sweating. I was never as glad to get to the last page of the paper. Yet it was a cool honor nonetheless. And it was a great way to finish off a long career of graduate education.

Sunday, June 1st

Ta Da! Our wedding album....

Saturday, May 31st

So, I'm getting ready in the morning and walk out into the living room to the song AND video of "Ever After" from the movie Enchanted. Guess who is watching it?! Of course, my husband. If you haven't heard the song or seen the music video, it's like girly, girl and the video is a cartoon. Funny man.

Friday, May 30th

The chips I am currently enjoying. So tangy! So tasty!

Thursday, May 29th

My favorite Australian-bound figure skater Amber gave me a Koala Bear, a bottle of Australian wine and Koala Poop (aka Milk Duds, Chocolate Covered Raisins and Chocolate Covered Peanuts) for graduation. The Koala Poop is not pictured here because my Koala Poop loving husband ate them.

Wednesday, May 28th

Picture of a picture of The Husband. I got me some hotness.

Tuesday, May 27th

Yes, this is my gown and master's hood! I picked it up today! Yikes! I am really going to graduate... Amazing!

Monday, May 26th

Look at yesterday's photo and then reverse time two plus years and you get this little girl! This is the Emma the day she was born. So cute!

Sunday, May 25th

In lieu of the photo I should have taken for this day, I bring you my niece Emma. She's really better than any photo I could have taken that day.

Saturday, May 24th

Saturday we were at my mother-in-law's house getting it ready for us to move in. We found a great deal on ceiling fans and this is James after he installed the first one. It is sheer joy that is on his face. Sheer joy.

Friday, May 23rd

This is snapshot of my video chat with my sister and her two girls. We've been enjoying doing the video chat especially since they live all the way out in Ohio!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Raining!?!? What?!? It was nearly 100 degrees last weekend! Today, pouring rain yet still almost 80 degrees outside! Crazy California weather!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Ok, so I didn't take this picture today BUT isn't it soo cute! This is my youngest niece Lilla doing it California-style like her auntie!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The life of a therapist... Progress notes, service plans, etc... This is what I work on all day... getting caught up on it all. Boo!

Photo-a-Day

So, I've wanted to follow up on this idea I've seen in various blogs to take a photo a day or to take up the challenge to take a photo a day for one year. Last fall, James bought me a cool-i-mo professional like camera. I love to take pictures and wanted to focus on that as a hobby/outlet. Well, life got the best of me but it has recently been on my mind to try and take a stab at that. So, with that in mind, I am going to try to do my best to snap a photo a day. Enjoy!

While perusing the Crate & Barrel catalogue...

While perusing the Crate & Barrel catalogue, I realized the Crate and Barrel designed a line of table linens after me. They are called "Zoey Table Linens". The description...

"How does our garden grow? Fun, flamboyant floral in vibrant blues, greens, purples, golds and reds blooms exotic casual white cotton."

Seems like a fitting description for my table linens and me.

Check them out here!

on a lighter note...well at least the first paragraph

James and I went swing dancing tonight. We tagged along with some friends from school/work and were celebrating a birthday. It was a lot of fun! We took a lesson before open dance and then spent the rest of the night trying to implement what we had learned and then also add a little bit of what James already knew. Swing dancing has different styles and trying to cross over those styles was a bit of challenge for James. It was all a challenge for me since I know nothing. He knows West Coast Swing and we learned a wee bit of the Lindy Groove stuff. It's like learning a different language and then trying to just stay in one language without reverting back to what you know. Frustrating to say the least, right??!! Yet all in all, we had a GREAT time and it is for sure we want to learn some more of and continue to get out there and dance. Great exercise and something fun to do together. I realize I love to dance. I like the choreography of a Step Class or a TKB class at the gym and then grooving to the music makes my heart and soul dance too.

The cool thing is that this was the first social thing we've done since my MIL's stroke. We went out to a movie for the first time last Sunday and then tonight we hung out with friends and did something fun and active. Both were James' idea as I am letting him take the lead on what he feels like he needs to do for his mom, etc. I like that he is thinking about the "us", wanting to connect with friends and realizing that having fun is good not only for us but helps us be better people, a couple and therefore better caregivers to his mom. Twice this week he had lunch with co-worker's/friends and he is taking the initiative to connect with these friends. I have been grateful for his desire to do these things.

One of the many things I love about James (and one of the main reasons why I wanted to marry him) was his ability to mature, grown and learn from his life and the circumstances he has been through. He never ceases to amaze me as he continually improves himself. I honestly lose sight in the hard times of how lucky I am to have a man who loves me so passionately and definitely...and changes and evolves as a person. I feel beautiful, safe and secure in his arms, his eyes and in his heart. Our differences often drive me nuts but they also bring such an amazing balance in my life. He is just what the doctor ordered for what I needed for my soul. That isn't a one time process either but is an ever-evolving revelation in my life that continues to takes on different shapes, sizes and colors.

We haven't had an easy marriage. It is sad that I can say that after 4 1/2 months. Two months of kidney stone craziness, grad school/practicum chaos and with Jane's stroke this past four weeks...We've done through sickness...for worse...we were already in for poorer :)... and our future remains foggy and unclear but right now we are good. It feels amazing to be good and I love my husband so much that I couldn't imagine living this crazy, chaotic and unpredictable life with anyone else.

Tender moments

It has been of late that James goes to bed before I do. I am becoming quite the night owl and NOT the morning bird...AT ALL. The fact that I need to be up and probably out of the house between 9-9:15am feels a little daunting to me. Today I got up at that time and that's kinda how it has been during the week for the past couple of weeks. I digress. Anyway, James calls me into our bedroom tonight because he wants me to lay with him in bed until he falls asleep. He sounds like my little boy instead of a big manly man but heck, he's been through a lot these past couple of weeks and little comfort from his wife is little to ask. It was just literally two seconds and the boy was G-O-N-E. Out. Like a light. I can hear him snoring in the next room. Maybe I should follow suit...

moved

Do you ever have those times in life when you experience something and you feel conflicting emotions at the same time...and YOU KNOW you are experiencing conflicting feelings...and the fact that you know that spins another element into digesting the situation?

For those of you that I haven't lost, this happened to me yesterday in meeting with my MIL Jane's speech pathologist so she could show us what she was working on with my MIL and give us some things we can do to work with her as well.

There is an image seared in my head that I can't get out. It's not a bad image but more of a profound and amazing one. In a lot of ways, I feel shocked by it.

So, we got there to her room and where there a few minutes before Sister Lucia (the speech pathologist) arrived. We did our usual greetings and received the big smile we usually received when we get there. That has been about all we've got and that to us has been a big deal in the past week or so. Sometimes we'll get the occasional glimmer of her understanding what we are saying. A laugh. Eyebrows up and down.

Enter speech pathologist. Jane perks up. Sister Lucia then puts her bed up into an almost full sitting up position. Jane is alert even more and able to support her head and look around from side to side. Her head and movement seems to be a little hard and heavy for her a times but by far this is the most "normal" we've seen her since this is all happened. This is where the shock comes in for me. She has never been this way for James and I in the times that we've visited her. She is excited to see us but always feels like she fades away as the time goes on in our visit.

Sister Lucia brings out the sugar free pudding and Jane is going for it like nobody's business. Sister Lucia has to slow her down and help her scoop up more manageable bites of pudding. We have to make sure she is slowing them right in order to prevent her aspirating and putting her into a position where she has pneumonia again. Yet who can blame her for thinking sugar free pudding is the best steak in the world when you've been feed through a tube for the past three weeks! She was truly enjoying the pudding and couldn't get enough of it. James and I were moved to tears at the site of her enjoyment, her ability and her desire to eat.

Then Sister Lucia moves into showing us how she distinguishes objects and pictures and is able to follow commands. She does well for awhile but then just tunes it out and is non-responsive. The very thing that Sister Lucia has been most encouraged by is her accuracy and she wasn't able to do it while we were there.

I mentioned to James on our way out some of my thoughts and feelings of the experience and he largely agreed that it felt uneasy to see her more responsive to the staff and therapist at the home and so obviously regressed when she is with us. Granted, this is all new...everyday is new...there are bad days and good days...and stroke patients can be clear as day one minute and ultimately confused the next. AND who the heck knows what is really going on. Jane can't obviously communicate in any significant ways.

It was encouraging, and like I said, shocking to see her respond in such positive and to us dramatically better ways. Today James said when he went to visit she was mellow again. It feels hurtful and sad to feel unconnected to her and what her process is...and wonder what she is thinking about it all and what she feels towards us. James and I would just be besides ourself to be the ones that brought that type of response to her. We loved the smiles but now that we know more... we want more...and somehow it feels confusing and unfair to not get a sense of connection, drive and response that others have received.

The image seared in my brain that even last night as a started this post is my MIL almost sitting up on her own looking a shade of herself and yet no where near herself at the same itme. I can't get out of my mind her desperately wanting to consume her bowl of pudding. I rejoice in these new developments and yet I feel so sad at the same time.

This is what I feel is key to my conflicting feelings. Our relationship has changed with her in profound ways and really in many still unknown ways. I think maybe all of us feel overwhelmed by that reality and don't know how to respond to the many ways our individual lives have changed and our dynamics have shifted. It wasn't that we weren't used to helping her out. It was just that it was on her terms and now it's not on her terms because she is dependent on everyone for everything. It has been a humbling, painful and confusing process for us all...and we can't talk about it. James and I can talk about it but she can't talk about it...she can't do anything...except sit with the reality of her situation and try to find it within herself to want to go on and fight for a moving target called her new life.

THIS is why I felt the way I felt after leaving on Tuesday evening. I just didn't know until now. The beauty of blogging.

3:30am

My new experience with insomnia has been anything but a big pain in the rear over this past week. Last night was an exception to that when James and I stayed up until 3:30am talking about everything and nothing at all. We haven't had that many of those types of night. You know the ones you are supposed to have at the beginning of a relationship...we talked all night...blah, blah, blah. We both value and love sleep way too much for that nonsense but last night was different and a much needed time to connect in the midst of a very challenging time for us and our young marriage. We weren't talking about us or even the current state of events and our fears and anxieties for the future but just life...family, lessons learned and past experiences...like I said nothing and everything all at the same time. I couldn't believe it when James told me it was 2:30am but we then proceeded to share with each other and ask each other questions until an hour later when we finally decided we should probably stop and go to sleep.

Tonight is a different night. James is sound asleep next to me and I'm up (again!) after having already fallen asleep only to wake up a short time later. Last night was special and surely what the doctor ordered for our weary and tired souls.

going green

After reading an article in no other than my People magazine, James and I decided to make a concentrated effort to go green in some areas of our life. The article talked about how many plastic bags (those you get a grocery stores and the like) end up not being recycled and then wind up in the ocean where whales think they are jellyfish, eat them and then get very sick. Other sea animals are adversely affected by them as well. I told James this and we decided to do our part in order to cut down the amount of plastic bags out there in the world. I had previously purchased a couple of bags from Target and today while at Target we purchase a few more.

The part that actually surprised us is that those reusable Target bags hold a lot of stuff cutting down the bags we are carting to the car and into our house by like a quarter. We decided that going green in this area was a win-win situation and that heck, we preferred using reusable bags.

All this time not only were our plastic bags harming the animals of our sea but they were also largely inefficient at carrying around our stuff! After emptying my Target reusable bags, I proceeded to hang them with the others I had previously bought right on the front door handle so we aren't forgetting them before our next trip to Target or wherever our shopping ways take us.

Take your stand people in not using plastic grocery bags!

Three week update

Dear friends and family,

Tomorrow marks three weeks since Jane suffered her stroke. Here's where we are at:

• Jane is in a skilled nursing facility (what James and I refer to as "snf"). We like the place very much. It's close to us and on the way to Jane's house so we can take care of that as well. It has been warm and welcoming.
  
• She has a great occupational therapist and speech therapist. The doctor that stops in weekly has been great too. Her care team gets together on a weekly basis to assess where she is at with the goals they have set for her. We are now beginning to form partnerships with these people with a meeting with the speech therapist on Tuesday to have her teach us how we can help her.
  
• The immediate goals are range of motion, swallowing and object identification. She has progressed well in those areas. Jane has to have an xray done to make sure she is swallowing her puree the right way and then we'll be in a process of gradually weaning her from the feeding tube and introducing soft foods. Big accomplishment! In a test to distinguish objects, she scored a 7 out of 8. Jane still isn't able to talk. She nods yes but doesn't yet nod no. Sometimes we know she is alert, aware and understanding and sometimes we aren't quite sure. She gives smile and then sometimes seems to be really sad. Yet all in all it is all good and both therapists are very happy with her progress.
• We have no idea what all lies ahead and we have to take it day by day. We are anxious about many things but trying to take one day at a time, relaying on friends and family for support and basically, surviving. It hasn't been easy for any of us. We all (Jane, James and me!) have our bad days and our good days. As a couple too, we have our bad days and our good days. We are gradually moving from survival and crisis mode to somewhere between there and a "new normal". James has returned back to work and I'm plugging away at school, practicum, graduation and job hunting

That's it for now! Thank you for all your words of encouragements, meals, gift cards, etc. The outpouring of love and support has truly been a blessing and humbling. We couldn't have survived the last three weeks without you and glad to have you as we look to the days and weeks ahead.

Insomnia and an update

Sleep hasn't come easily to me these past couple of days. Last night I woke up at 1:30am and then didn't get back to sleep until 5am. Needless to say a lot on my mind and heart...

My favorite shows as a result of insomnia is Shear Genuis, Top Chef and Keeping up with the Kardashians. In the process of watching such intellectually stimulating TV, I've also started to record Step It Up and Dance. I'm open to other suggestions. I could try to grade some papers, write a paper or catch up on reading but somehow the insomnia is mind numbing and hasn't yet sparked the motivational bug I so need get going.

James' mother is now at a skilled nursing facility. Nothing much has changed. She is awake a bit more but we are still not quite sure how much she is aware of what is going on or has the ability to process anything let alone language, etc. She still has an IV and feeding tube and the speech therapist feels it is still unsafe to try to see if she can swallow since she isn't 100% able to follow commands because of this unawareness. We spent the weekend decorating her room at the skilled nursing facility. James watched a movie while I worked on homework, etc. The future is so unknown which presents itself with a host of questions we feel anxious to answer. It is hard on James, on us as a couple of and on me for a host of various reasons. It is tough. We do like the skilled nursing facility, the family of her roommate, the doctors and nurses. We were blessed to receive this placement for Jane.

We've received many blessings, support, care and concern through all of this. My MFT cohort has set up dinner for us for every day for two weeks to help us out. This has been such a huge blessing and a help. It is one less thing we have to think about in a day. We also received a very generous gift card to a grocery store today in the mail. I mean very generous. What a great help. We've received cards, monetary help and offers of help beyond what one could ever contain. It has been quite overwhelming and yet such a life saver during this time. I love community and my commitment to it has grown in the past two weeks.

Tonight does mark two weeks since James found his mom after she had suffered her stroke. I really can't believe it and yet in many ways I feel like it hasn't sunk in how much life has changed and that it will be forever changed. I can't even begin to imagine all the pain, sadness, despair and hurt that my husband is feeling. I can empathize but really have no idea what it feels like. I am proud to have a husband who hasn't escaped any of his thoughts or feelings but has risen to the occasion to care for him mom and has looked pain in the face and taken it on. He is a better person than me in this and so many other ways.

it's the little things

I've started to note the simple things that have brought me joy in the past trying week:

1. A birdie (named my mother) inquired about the details related to the possibility of an iPhone for my graduating future. It's a material thing but something I've wanted for a long time and gives me a reward at the end of this long journey called Spring 2008 (well besides two diplomas).
2. My sister and mom booked a flight to come for my graduation.
3. My husband gave me a thank you card to thank me for all that I've done to help him and his mom in the past week. Many tears flowed...
4. James and I had sushi today. I love sushi and it was nice to enjoy a favorite meal and feel up to wanting to eat it.
5. My therapist teared up in my retelling of the events of this past week and then gave me a hug at the end of our session. I'm glad to have such a great therapist.
6. We are loved by our friends and family and their support is an active thing.
7. Last but not least, Jane is here with us.

That is it for now...

things you do when you are vegging out

I bought a bottle of brandy for the fondue Valentine's Day 2008 and wondered a few nights ago what you could do with brandy besides just drink it on its own (cause that stuff is stinking strong!). I found a drink called "Between the Sheets" while googling and it was pretty yummy. So, for what it is worth:

1 oz. triple sec
1 oz. brandy
1 oz. light rum
1 oz. lime juice.

Shake with some ice and pour it over some ice for a nice way to unwind.

the roller coaster

Today wasn't a good day. It wasn't necessarily bad it just wasn't progress. James' mom spent most of the day asleep. She did have a procedure done in which she was sedated and they gave her some morphine for pain last night. It was probably that she was zonked but hard for James not to see progress today. She also was pretty congested and that was new as well. We think she might be discharged to a skilled nursing facility tomorrow or Thursday. James seems to be overall doing better in the midst of this. He is eating more and actually watched a TV show with me for the first time since this all started.

We'll see what tomorrow holds...

What a difference a week makes...

It was a week ago today that my mother-in-law suffered a massive stroke. I can't even begin to recollect the many hours spent in the hospital and the gamut of emotions we've journeyed through in the past seven long days.

Today the doctor got to witness the benefits of the prayers you've all prayed on behalf of Jane. He said that her improvement was major. She is more alert and active as each day passes. We still have a long way to go but we are finally headed in the right direction. She is able to stay awake longer and beginning to follow commands consistently and for the doctor and nurses as well as James. She still fights all the tubes and we're not sure she fully understands what is going on but we'll take what God has been gracious to give. She is having a procedure tomorrow to get another look at her heart so we can understand the origination of the stroke and if there is any of the condition that still exists. Then if she stabilizes (blood pressure has been hard to control) and becomes more compliant (can't pull out tubes, etc.) , we should be on our way to a skilled nursing facility with physical and speech therapists that will aid in getting some of her faculties back. Anyway, that is a long road but a road that is better than what is was looking like just a matter of days ago. I haven't been able to be at the hospital with James today but I know he is encouraged when I hear a slightly relieved tone in his voice and more so he tells me he is about to dive into a full meal of a sandwich and fries. That makes a wife happy.

Continue to pray for healing for Jane and for James and I as we navigate a territory we have no idea how to handle. We are eternally thankful for those who have shared stories, sat with us, prayed with us and have been a resource to us. "Thank you" doesn't seem enough.