moved

Do you ever have those times in life when you experience something and you feel conflicting emotions at the same time...and YOU KNOW you are experiencing conflicting feelings...and the fact that you know that spins another element into digesting the situation?

For those of you that I haven't lost, this happened to me yesterday in meeting with my MIL Jane's speech pathologist so she could show us what she was working on with my MIL and give us some things we can do to work with her as well.

There is an image seared in my head that I can't get out. It's not a bad image but more of a profound and amazing one. In a lot of ways, I feel shocked by it.

So, we got there to her room and where there a few minutes before Sister Lucia (the speech pathologist) arrived. We did our usual greetings and received the big smile we usually received when we get there. That has been about all we've got and that to us has been a big deal in the past week or so. Sometimes we'll get the occasional glimmer of her understanding what we are saying. A laugh. Eyebrows up and down.

Enter speech pathologist. Jane perks up. Sister Lucia then puts her bed up into an almost full sitting up position. Jane is alert even more and able to support her head and look around from side to side. Her head and movement seems to be a little hard and heavy for her a times but by far this is the most "normal" we've seen her since this is all happened. This is where the shock comes in for me. She has never been this way for James and I in the times that we've visited her. She is excited to see us but always feels like she fades away as the time goes on in our visit.

Sister Lucia brings out the sugar free pudding and Jane is going for it like nobody's business. Sister Lucia has to slow her down and help her scoop up more manageable bites of pudding. We have to make sure she is slowing them right in order to prevent her aspirating and putting her into a position where she has pneumonia again. Yet who can blame her for thinking sugar free pudding is the best steak in the world when you've been feed through a tube for the past three weeks! She was truly enjoying the pudding and couldn't get enough of it. James and I were moved to tears at the site of her enjoyment, her ability and her desire to eat.

Then Sister Lucia moves into showing us how she distinguishes objects and pictures and is able to follow commands. She does well for awhile but then just tunes it out and is non-responsive. The very thing that Sister Lucia has been most encouraged by is her accuracy and she wasn't able to do it while we were there.

I mentioned to James on our way out some of my thoughts and feelings of the experience and he largely agreed that it felt uneasy to see her more responsive to the staff and therapist at the home and so obviously regressed when she is with us. Granted, this is all new...everyday is new...there are bad days and good days...and stroke patients can be clear as day one minute and ultimately confused the next. AND who the heck knows what is really going on. Jane can't obviously communicate in any significant ways.

It was encouraging, and like I said, shocking to see her respond in such positive and to us dramatically better ways. Today James said when he went to visit she was mellow again. It feels hurtful and sad to feel unconnected to her and what her process is...and wonder what she is thinking about it all and what she feels towards us. James and I would just be besides ourself to be the ones that brought that type of response to her. We loved the smiles but now that we know more... we want more...and somehow it feels confusing and unfair to not get a sense of connection, drive and response that others have received.

The image seared in my brain that even last night as a started this post is my MIL almost sitting up on her own looking a shade of herself and yet no where near herself at the same itme. I can't get out of my mind her desperately wanting to consume her bowl of pudding. I rejoice in these new developments and yet I feel so sad at the same time.

This is what I feel is key to my conflicting feelings. Our relationship has changed with her in profound ways and really in many still unknown ways. I think maybe all of us feel overwhelmed by that reality and don't know how to respond to the many ways our individual lives have changed and our dynamics have shifted. It wasn't that we weren't used to helping her out. It was just that it was on her terms and now it's not on her terms because she is dependent on everyone for everything. It has been a humbling, painful and confusing process for us all...and we can't talk about it. James and I can talk about it but she can't talk about it...she can't do anything...except sit with the reality of her situation and try to find it within herself to want to go on and fight for a moving target called her new life.

THIS is why I felt the way I felt after leaving on Tuesday evening. I just didn't know until now. The beauty of blogging.

3:30am

My new experience with insomnia has been anything but a big pain in the rear over this past week. Last night was an exception to that when James and I stayed up until 3:30am talking about everything and nothing at all. We haven't had that many of those types of night. You know the ones you are supposed to have at the beginning of a relationship...we talked all night...blah, blah, blah. We both value and love sleep way too much for that nonsense but last night was different and a much needed time to connect in the midst of a very challenging time for us and our young marriage. We weren't talking about us or even the current state of events and our fears and anxieties for the future but just life...family, lessons learned and past experiences...like I said nothing and everything all at the same time. I couldn't believe it when James told me it was 2:30am but we then proceeded to share with each other and ask each other questions until an hour later when we finally decided we should probably stop and go to sleep.

Tonight is a different night. James is sound asleep next to me and I'm up (again!) after having already fallen asleep only to wake up a short time later. Last night was special and surely what the doctor ordered for our weary and tired souls.

going green

After reading an article in no other than my People magazine, James and I decided to make a concentrated effort to go green in some areas of our life. The article talked about how many plastic bags (those you get a grocery stores and the like) end up not being recycled and then wind up in the ocean where whales think they are jellyfish, eat them and then get very sick. Other sea animals are adversely affected by them as well. I told James this and we decided to do our part in order to cut down the amount of plastic bags out there in the world. I had previously purchased a couple of bags from Target and today while at Target we purchase a few more.

The part that actually surprised us is that those reusable Target bags hold a lot of stuff cutting down the bags we are carting to the car and into our house by like a quarter. We decided that going green in this area was a win-win situation and that heck, we preferred using reusable bags.

All this time not only were our plastic bags harming the animals of our sea but they were also largely inefficient at carrying around our stuff! After emptying my Target reusable bags, I proceeded to hang them with the others I had previously bought right on the front door handle so we aren't forgetting them before our next trip to Target or wherever our shopping ways take us.

Take your stand people in not using plastic grocery bags!

Three week update

Dear friends and family,

Tomorrow marks three weeks since Jane suffered her stroke. Here's where we are at:

• Jane is in a skilled nursing facility (what James and I refer to as "snf"). We like the place very much. It's close to us and on the way to Jane's house so we can take care of that as well. It has been warm and welcoming.
  
• She has a great occupational therapist and speech therapist. The doctor that stops in weekly has been great too. Her care team gets together on a weekly basis to assess where she is at with the goals they have set for her. We are now beginning to form partnerships with these people with a meeting with the speech therapist on Tuesday to have her teach us how we can help her.
  
• The immediate goals are range of motion, swallowing and object identification. She has progressed well in those areas. Jane has to have an xray done to make sure she is swallowing her puree the right way and then we'll be in a process of gradually weaning her from the feeding tube and introducing soft foods. Big accomplishment! In a test to distinguish objects, she scored a 7 out of 8. Jane still isn't able to talk. She nods yes but doesn't yet nod no. Sometimes we know she is alert, aware and understanding and sometimes we aren't quite sure. She gives smile and then sometimes seems to be really sad. Yet all in all it is all good and both therapists are very happy with her progress.
• We have no idea what all lies ahead and we have to take it day by day. We are anxious about many things but trying to take one day at a time, relaying on friends and family for support and basically, surviving. It hasn't been easy for any of us. We all (Jane, James and me!) have our bad days and our good days. As a couple too, we have our bad days and our good days. We are gradually moving from survival and crisis mode to somewhere between there and a "new normal". James has returned back to work and I'm plugging away at school, practicum, graduation and job hunting

That's it for now! Thank you for all your words of encouragements, meals, gift cards, etc. The outpouring of love and support has truly been a blessing and humbling. We couldn't have survived the last three weeks without you and glad to have you as we look to the days and weeks ahead.

Insomnia and an update

Sleep hasn't come easily to me these past couple of days. Last night I woke up at 1:30am and then didn't get back to sleep until 5am. Needless to say a lot on my mind and heart...

My favorite shows as a result of insomnia is Shear Genuis, Top Chef and Keeping up with the Kardashians. In the process of watching such intellectually stimulating TV, I've also started to record Step It Up and Dance. I'm open to other suggestions. I could try to grade some papers, write a paper or catch up on reading but somehow the insomnia is mind numbing and hasn't yet sparked the motivational bug I so need get going.

James' mother is now at a skilled nursing facility. Nothing much has changed. She is awake a bit more but we are still not quite sure how much she is aware of what is going on or has the ability to process anything let alone language, etc. She still has an IV and feeding tube and the speech therapist feels it is still unsafe to try to see if she can swallow since she isn't 100% able to follow commands because of this unawareness. We spent the weekend decorating her room at the skilled nursing facility. James watched a movie while I worked on homework, etc. The future is so unknown which presents itself with a host of questions we feel anxious to answer. It is hard on James, on us as a couple of and on me for a host of various reasons. It is tough. We do like the skilled nursing facility, the family of her roommate, the doctors and nurses. We were blessed to receive this placement for Jane.

We've received many blessings, support, care and concern through all of this. My MFT cohort has set up dinner for us for every day for two weeks to help us out. This has been such a huge blessing and a help. It is one less thing we have to think about in a day. We also received a very generous gift card to a grocery store today in the mail. I mean very generous. What a great help. We've received cards, monetary help and offers of help beyond what one could ever contain. It has been quite overwhelming and yet such a life saver during this time. I love community and my commitment to it has grown in the past two weeks.

Tonight does mark two weeks since James found his mom after she had suffered her stroke. I really can't believe it and yet in many ways I feel like it hasn't sunk in how much life has changed and that it will be forever changed. I can't even begin to imagine all the pain, sadness, despair and hurt that my husband is feeling. I can empathize but really have no idea what it feels like. I am proud to have a husband who hasn't escaped any of his thoughts or feelings but has risen to the occasion to care for him mom and has looked pain in the face and taken it on. He is a better person than me in this and so many other ways.

it's the little things

I've started to note the simple things that have brought me joy in the past trying week:

1. A birdie (named my mother) inquired about the details related to the possibility of an iPhone for my graduating future. It's a material thing but something I've wanted for a long time and gives me a reward at the end of this long journey called Spring 2008 (well besides two diplomas).
2. My sister and mom booked a flight to come for my graduation.
3. My husband gave me a thank you card to thank me for all that I've done to help him and his mom in the past week. Many tears flowed...
4. James and I had sushi today. I love sushi and it was nice to enjoy a favorite meal and feel up to wanting to eat it.
5. My therapist teared up in my retelling of the events of this past week and then gave me a hug at the end of our session. I'm glad to have such a great therapist.
6. We are loved by our friends and family and their support is an active thing.
7. Last but not least, Jane is here with us.

That is it for now...

things you do when you are vegging out

I bought a bottle of brandy for the fondue Valentine's Day 2008 and wondered a few nights ago what you could do with brandy besides just drink it on its own (cause that stuff is stinking strong!). I found a drink called "Between the Sheets" while googling and it was pretty yummy. So, for what it is worth:

1 oz. triple sec
1 oz. brandy
1 oz. light rum
1 oz. lime juice.

Shake with some ice and pour it over some ice for a nice way to unwind.