moved

Do you ever have those times in life when you experience something and you feel conflicting emotions at the same time...and YOU KNOW you are experiencing conflicting feelings...and the fact that you know that spins another element into digesting the situation?

For those of you that I haven't lost, this happened to me yesterday in meeting with my MIL Jane's speech pathologist so she could show us what she was working on with my MIL and give us some things we can do to work with her as well.

There is an image seared in my head that I can't get out. It's not a bad image but more of a profound and amazing one. In a lot of ways, I feel shocked by it.

So, we got there to her room and where there a few minutes before Sister Lucia (the speech pathologist) arrived. We did our usual greetings and received the big smile we usually received when we get there. That has been about all we've got and that to us has been a big deal in the past week or so. Sometimes we'll get the occasional glimmer of her understanding what we are saying. A laugh. Eyebrows up and down.

Enter speech pathologist. Jane perks up. Sister Lucia then puts her bed up into an almost full sitting up position. Jane is alert even more and able to support her head and look around from side to side. Her head and movement seems to be a little hard and heavy for her a times but by far this is the most "normal" we've seen her since this is all happened. This is where the shock comes in for me. She has never been this way for James and I in the times that we've visited her. She is excited to see us but always feels like she fades away as the time goes on in our visit.

Sister Lucia brings out the sugar free pudding and Jane is going for it like nobody's business. Sister Lucia has to slow her down and help her scoop up more manageable bites of pudding. We have to make sure she is slowing them right in order to prevent her aspirating and putting her into a position where she has pneumonia again. Yet who can blame her for thinking sugar free pudding is the best steak in the world when you've been feed through a tube for the past three weeks! She was truly enjoying the pudding and couldn't get enough of it. James and I were moved to tears at the site of her enjoyment, her ability and her desire to eat.

Then Sister Lucia moves into showing us how she distinguishes objects and pictures and is able to follow commands. She does well for awhile but then just tunes it out and is non-responsive. The very thing that Sister Lucia has been most encouraged by is her accuracy and she wasn't able to do it while we were there.

I mentioned to James on our way out some of my thoughts and feelings of the experience and he largely agreed that it felt uneasy to see her more responsive to the staff and therapist at the home and so obviously regressed when she is with us. Granted, this is all new...everyday is new...there are bad days and good days...and stroke patients can be clear as day one minute and ultimately confused the next. AND who the heck knows what is really going on. Jane can't obviously communicate in any significant ways.

It was encouraging, and like I said, shocking to see her respond in such positive and to us dramatically better ways. Today James said when he went to visit she was mellow again. It feels hurtful and sad to feel unconnected to her and what her process is...and wonder what she is thinking about it all and what she feels towards us. James and I would just be besides ourself to be the ones that brought that type of response to her. We loved the smiles but now that we know more... we want more...and somehow it feels confusing and unfair to not get a sense of connection, drive and response that others have received.

The image seared in my brain that even last night as a started this post is my MIL almost sitting up on her own looking a shade of herself and yet no where near herself at the same itme. I can't get out of my mind her desperately wanting to consume her bowl of pudding. I rejoice in these new developments and yet I feel so sad at the same time.

This is what I feel is key to my conflicting feelings. Our relationship has changed with her in profound ways and really in many still unknown ways. I think maybe all of us feel overwhelmed by that reality and don't know how to respond to the many ways our individual lives have changed and our dynamics have shifted. It wasn't that we weren't used to helping her out. It was just that it was on her terms and now it's not on her terms because she is dependent on everyone for everything. It has been a humbling, painful and confusing process for us all...and we can't talk about it. James and I can talk about it but she can't talk about it...she can't do anything...except sit with the reality of her situation and try to find it within herself to want to go on and fight for a moving target called her new life.

THIS is why I felt the way I felt after leaving on Tuesday evening. I just didn't know until now. The beauty of blogging.